character built through 'hardships'

having just come out of our first major (baby) illness, it can barely be justified as a hardship if you compare the calamities and needs many people face all across the world. but the past week had definitely been one of the most challenging by far.

one morning asher suddenly threw up at the end of his milk feed. having experienced such pukings before due to excess phlegm in his system, we decided to 'wait and see how'. however, to my horror, asher couldn't stomach his solid food feed 2hours later either. and off to KKH we went.

After returning home that evening from the diagnosis and painfully beginning the home treatment for asher, haiks and i kena food poisoning that night. the home treatment was painful cuz we had to administer small and diluted milk feeds for asher since he had ingested a virus that was making its course through his tummy. this resulted in having to endure his persistent cries for more milk.

over the next few days, it was a series of cleaning puke and diarrhea as he alternated between the two, enduring his hungry cries, lethargy from lack of food and extreme clingy-ness towards me, while trying to recover from my own bout of bad tummy. it was difficult. it was stretching my physical, heart, mental and spiritual capacity. it broke my heart too, when i saw how much weight asher lost in just 2 days. i wept as i bathed him, aching within that he had to endure such a painful thing at such a young age.

i learnt much in that week, and it opened my eyes to understand just that bit more, of how terrible it must have been for the Father to put His Son through death on the cross.

asher is at the tail end of recuperating and i wonder if the illness had put a dent on his personality as he remains very clingy at times, making me rather frustrated at times. though i know he's going through some separation anxiety, it does make me irritated that i even feel these negative feelings! i suppose its hard for me to accept that a usually sociable boy can behave in such a manner.

still, i know all of these are working within me, fruit that will last.

grace that is sufficient

the past week had been an extremely difficult one. even though the haze had thankfully dissipated (mostly), the baby and I were still battling the effects of it on our health. I probably felt it more, considering how the phlegm stubbornly stayed in my lungs and coughing left me breathless and tired. What made it worse was that Asher began to teeth and slept horribly in the nights, leaving me utterly exhausted and desperately needing to recover and just, REST.

and so i broke down yesterday. after the MIL brought Asher out, I let loose the dam that was bursting at the seams. I let it out, howling (literally) my exhaustion and helplessness out. I managed to get an hour's nap after that and rationalized that I couldn't stress myself any further wondering if it was the teething or insufficient food that had kept the baby up before. I'll hafta take it one night at a time.

I reminded myself multiple times that His Grace is sufficient for me, and I don't think it's a coincidence that the hubby prayed the exact same words over us last night.

There's a slew of events facing the physically exhausted hubby this week, I sprained my back this morning and am a little stressed over the MIL's ideas of feeding the baby solids (which conflict somewhat with mine). While I try not to worry about how I will settle both my and the baby's meals in the near future, I again turn to His Promise, that His Grace IS sufficient.

It often feels like the mundane take up so much of my time and energy, yet in this I have found joy and precious moments that linger and bring tears to my eyes. Like how one morning in my sleepy state, I peeped through my eyes to see the baby, refusing to nap, grinned at me in delight and buried his face into my arm as his form of adoration. Moments, precious ones.

sacrifices

last night as I lay in bed and looked at some Facebook photos of a girl's dance journey in the commercial world, I felt sad (for her) [don't ask] and started crying (for myself). Was it self pity for myself?

As I let the words come out of my mouth upon the husband's probing regarding my tears, I know I was crying because I miss dancing, so very very much. I almost feel like inspiration has all but disappeared from within just cuz I haven't danced in such a long time. I did wonder if God had forgotten about my dreams and aspirations, but I know that deep within, that's not true. And when I look at my baby boy, I know it's worth it. *breathes out* even if I can't stand how out of shape my body is, how unfit I am, how much I long to go for dance classes, to dance in worship, to watch as many dance performances as I want to in a whim's notice.... it's worth it, even as I still tear now and then.

Self-pity? maybe... but I also know that it's part of my process of coming to terms FULLY, about this season. Because even if I could attain all my dreams and aspirations, I wouldn't be happy if I'm not loving and obeying Him. As someone wrote on FB and I quote, "I was made from Love, to love and for love."

3 months of motherhood

It's been a long while. And so much has happened.

I had said in my last entry that I would be induced. Well, turns out that I started having contractions at around 9+am on 25th April and after over 20 hours of labor, Asher was finally born on 26th April :) and yes, I had epidural. Didn't want to but the other painkillers didn't work and I was screaming away in pain while only being less than 5cm dilated.

So how's it been like these past 3 months? There's a whole range of emotions, and heart processes to be dealt with. I had to deal with Asher having difficulty latching when I breastfed him, then decided to express the milk instead which exhausted me and finally decided to stop the breastmilk. That was a difficult decision and Haiks persuaded me that in stopping the breastmilk did not mean that I was not giving Asher the best. You know how it is, with breastmilk being the rage and how it IS the best for babies, FOC and having antibodies, I was in a huge dilemma in wanting to stop. But if I didn't stop, I was incapable of doing anything just cuz how expressing took up more time, energy and robbed me of more much needed sleep.

What made it worse was having to cope with mastitis (breast infection), engorgement and blocked ducts during that process. The pain and discomfort as I endured all that before starting to wean was nothing compared to the engorgement that came later. I was so engorged that I went through 7 shirts in 10hours as I was leaking breastmilk constantly, soaking each shirt and the towel I placed in bed to absorb the milk. Had to go to KK to get a stronger medication to stop the lactation and a major painkiller to stop the pain. All this because I had A LOT of milk.

So ironic right? Too much of a good thing created so much trouble for me and I'm now fearful of breastfeeding again in future :( In fact, the abundant milk caused Asher to choke constantly cuz the flow was too strong for him to nurse properly :S

I AM thankful that Asher began to sleep through the night without having to feed before he turned 2months old. I'm trying to train him to not wake up at 4+ and 5+ before his feed at 7am, since he used to feed at those times.

Recently, we celebrated our 1st year anniversary as husband and wife and it was a bittersweet evening. It was good to have time alone and enjoy dinner together but we had to talk through issues that had been surfacing ever since Asher arrived. It's never easy hearing your husband say that you've become different, and not for the better! I knew that I had lost my temper too often, at Asher and at the hubby and I often blamed it on hormones and a lack of sleep. Which wasn't entirely wrong since the hormonal change after delivering and weaning was totally crazy!! We also realized that I was being stressed out by my MIL (mum-in-law). As much I deeply appreciate her help and wisdom in caring for Asher, our differing opinions and methods of caring for him often made me feel insecure, agitated and totally useless as a mother when I was trying my hardest. Yet I have also come to terms that severely lacking in my heart is the ability to love more and to live in peace and to hold my tongue. All of which I need to rely on God daily for. Talk about His mercies being new every morning! :)

Just 2days ago, I had to face another difficult 'situation'. There was the chance of dancing for an event come August and I was so tempted to do so. In fact, it almost seemed possible that I could dance in it but I made the very difficult decision not to. It was so difficult, forcing myself to deny something I love so much. It doesn't help that it's dance season now and there a dozen events that I want to watch or take part in. But I'm not just a wife now, I'm a mother too. It just felt irresponsible to place Asher with someone and go for dance practice, come home tired and possibly irritated with Asher (and maybe the hubby) for whatever reasons and just having a bad experience altogether.

I know it seems like I'm painting a bad picture of motherhood thus far but I'm just being honest about the journey. I love being a mum, I do. I like bathing Asher, hugging him, making him laugh and seeing how he's growing (and man, is he growing!!) But I also resent the demands of motherhood. I get incensed when he wakes up for (what I think is) no reason after patting him to sleep for 5-15minutes and he sleeps for 5 minutes or half an hour, being woken up by some noisy neighbor or a family member talks too loudly.

I want to dance again. I want to be able to cook my own meals and not have a baby being so dependent on me for his every need. I want to be able to go out without having to plan so far ahead about the time and all of the needs that Asher has. I want to be able to spend time with my husband without either of us feeling tired or being interrupted by a baby who needs to feed soon or wants to sleep. Yet, these are all responsibilities of a mother that can be an offering to the Father if I do it with a heart of worship and not grudgingly. And I never fail to tear when I am reminded of this fact. Just today, I'm reminded that because of what I'm giving to Asher, I'm blessed. And as a song goes, "out of Your Hand, we give to You"

It's less than a month away to the end of my maternity leave and I'll have to try juggling another (huge) thing on my plate. I firmly believe there isn't a more challenging job in the world than being a mother; my hats off to the mothers who have many kids and do it all on their own!! In the meantime, I'm looking forward to when Asher will roll over and continues his baby developments :)

turn of events

After imagining for weeks on end how I might enter labor, I'm now scheduled to go for induced labor on 26th, Asher's estimated due date.

Initially okay with it, I became paranoid and anxious after reading online about the risks involved and how I don't fall into the usual categories of needing to have an induced labor. I'm thankful that my gynae returned my call and explained that the placenta would spoil after 40weeks of pregnancy and it's best for the baby to come out. At the same time, being reassured by the words in Psalm 121 helped to ease my anxious heart. Pardon the pun, but the following words really helped!!

"The Lord watches over you...The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

This week has really been a teary one, as I battle the various emotions while waiting for Asher to arrive. It varies from anxiety to paranoia, anticipation to excitement and back to fear...all in less than an hour almost everyday!! And I think childbirth is one of the few things when one will get to experience both joy and pain at the same time. heh.

So, if Asher doesn't come out before Mon, and I don't have an excessively long labor, it will be 26th April. You'll hear from me (or the hubby). See you some time soon blog.

pain and tears

i just had another teary session. 'another' because i've had some throughout the whole pregnancy. although it's 5more weeks to full term (of 37weeks), i'm quite tired already.

Asher's increasing weight is beginning to take a toll on my body. while the pelvic ligament pain has eased up a lot, it hurts a lot when it decides to return. and that makes sitting or lying down a pain. which means standing up is the better option. and in the last few days, that has resulted in my left knee and ankle joints hurting like crazy. it feels like rheumatism but worse. :'(

so while i sat in bed crying, the hubby came by and listened sympathetically to my lament. and poked my tummy, telling the baby boy "you must love mummy ok, she's going through a lot for you."

honestly, i feel guilty cuz i know a lot of women go through much worse than me during their pregnancies. at the same time, i don't know how they tahan. this has also given me greater respect for all mothers out there. God be the strength i need...

bracing myself

i wish i can be more honest in sharing now, and my heart really wants to burst to say all that is inside. but with a decision still pending till maybe 2weeks later (or even sooner), i can't and shouldn't say anything yet.

what i can say, and need to say, is that the seasons are going to shift. and in ways that i certainly didn't expect. right now it feels like autumn or winter might be coming, but God might really intend it to be spring or summer.

there'll probably will continue to be wrestling of emotions, expectations and learning to keep laying dreams and hopes at His feet. or as the hubby said, "sacrifice your isaac. maybe this has become your isaac."

*breathes long and hard*

i suppose it's no coincidence that i felt led to live by Isaiah 30:15b this year, cuz more than ever, i'm clinging onto and learning to dissect what it really means.

"...in quietness and trust shall be your strength..."

pray with and for me won't you, that i will not be contentious no matter what the seasons bring, but that i will learn to rest, and be confident of His character.

becoming mama

we finally had the long awaited scan yesterday, and discovered that we're going to have a boy (: i was a mixture of happiness and disappointment, the latter being that i've been hoping that our first child would be a girl. but staring at the ultrasound and seeing the boy's facial features, so delicately but clearly formed, i started to tear. here i was staring at my unborn child, known yet unknown.

there was a brief scare, when the technician said she needed one of the senior doctors to look at the baby's heart structure just to make sure everything's alright. i had seen a white spot in baby poh's heart through the ultrasound and true enough, that was the point of concern. thankfully, the doctor said it's not a tumor but the muscle insertion (or something like that) as the heart forms and grows. praying that the white spot will disappear in time.

i'm fearful now and again. i confess that i think i'd find mothering a girl a lot easier cuz i'm a woman. in fact, i'm clueless even as i start thinking of mothering a son. the world of trucks and cars are foreign to me. while the hubby would be a lot more adapt in this area of boys' toys, i would be the one spending most of the time with the little one since i'll be working from home, caring for the baby at the same time. in fact, i had rationalized that God wouldn't give us a boy cuz i just don't feel ready to mother a boy yet. some rationale. :P

yet another huge thing to trust God for! haha.

the process of finding a suitable name for baby poh has begun. there's so much to consider, especially with the mandarin name needing to sound nice in mandarin, hokkien AND cantonese. furthermore, the final initials can't be weird since the boy has to go to the army in future.

here's a look at our baby boy (: it's a little blur cuz i took a picture of the ultrasound with my phone. but it almost feels like he posed for us to see how he looks like. i love him (:

when faith falters

i finally cried it out early this morning, after the hubby returned from rehearsal and asked me, "so how are you feeling about the ballot results?" I could only muster a few phrases before the tears just poured forth.

having had a little time to myself earlier on the way home, i had asked God the popular "why?" surely He could more than tell that we need the flat, especially with baby poh coming. as it is, the hubby has been making sacrifices to allow us a somewhat comfortable space to live in. when baby poh arrives, we'll need to make even more room for the numerous things that the kid needs.

i felt Him saying that it wasn't the right one yet, to which i was almost incredulous. His next answer to me was probably what my heart needed to hear. "just because the wait is longer doesn't mean that it's not going to be good."

i think that's the point where my faith began to falter. every time i hit a road block in the wait, i wondered if it was silly to have put so much faith, if what we've been waiting for is going to be lesser than what we desired. you know how it is, after several delays and disappointments, we adjust and lower our expectations so that the disappointment wouldn't be as great as before.

coming from the person who likes to tell others to wait for God to bring the right guy along for them, i'm finding it hard to trust likewise for our home. *sigh*

but my faith can't be in the home, in that flat we need. my faith needs to be in HIM, His unchanging character, His promise that His love never fails.

This is my desire

To honor You

Lord with all my heart

I worship You

All that is within me

I give you praise

All that I adore is in You

Lord I give You my heart

I give You my soul

I live for You alone

Every breath that I take

Every moment I'm awake

Lord have Your way in me

the beginning of december

this is a long overdue post, mainly cuz i've been too busy at work. this month is gonna be crazy preparing for Meta since we're doing a workshop, a dance skit and dancing for a worship set. thankfully i'm not involved in the last one, also cuz i don't think my current roundness would be very graceful :P

i'm feeling a little grouchy and more than a tad disappointed now. just found out that our ballot number for the j.west flats way exceeds the number of available flats. i suppose having baby poh on the way makes it more urgent...don't quite know how to think even though i'd prayed for grace to accept the results He gives us. this might mean having to raise baby poh for the first few months in the already cramped in-law's place :S i need to talk to God...

anyway, something that i wanted to post were pictures of how i looked like in November, with the baby bump showing (:

3rd Nov at 4months

19Nov at 18.3weeks

today at 19 weeks.

the dress i'm wearing is from cotton on, but it really looks like a maternity dress on me. you can't really see the baby bump i suppose, even with my hands pressed down against the dress so as to make it more obvious. heh.

a common question i receive is if people have been offering me their seats. so far, only 1 lady has done so voluntarily. most times the seat was emptied when the passenger alighted at his/her stop. in any case, i hardly look my age, much less married. i've resigned to receiving dirty looks from strangers and being mistaken to be a teenage pregnancy case. heh.

december will see the hubby being really busy!! i will be too, with work and making his prezzie. heh. ok, baby's kicking and it's lunch time. please pray we'll have a solution for our housing needs!

not enough

as i lay in bed on sunday night while waiting for the hubby to come to bed, i suddenly melted into a puddle of tears.

fears of not being able to be the mum i want to be, of not being able to parent my kid(s) well, of the times of hurt i'll experience when they rebel (ya, think so far right)...fears that i'll not be enough.

as the hubby prayed for us and baby poh, felt God remind me "you're not meant to be enough. I didn't create you to be enough. only I am."

the Truth that i needed! even the hubby and i aren't enough for each other, and we can't be. i will never be enough for my kids, and this i must tell myself when the perfectionist-idealistic me springs up to attempt to conquer the world. or when the kids feel disappointed in their mum who is only human. they too will need to learn that i'm not meant to be enough for them. only God is.

time passing me by

it's been a week since our first gynae visit, but it feels way more than that. it's quite scary too, that i'm starting my 4th month into the pregnancy.

if i allow myself to, i might start freaking out at the expenses for the numerous baby stuff (essentials) that are needed, about breastfeeding correctly, about labor, about our hopefully soon to receive home, about putting on weight and not fat, about eating well for baby poh and me...about a million things. in a blink of an eye, i'm gonna be a mum, whether or not i feel ready.

*sigh* i MUST not allow faith to be shaken, especially if i only choose to look at myself or to cower when fear looms around. worry isn't of God, and without faith it is impossible to please God. when i falter, help me to overcome my unbelief Lord!

when the hubby jets off around the world

last night i sent the hubby (and 2 other colleagues) off at the airport for their 5day recce trip to calcutta. this is going to be the first of quite a few of the hubby's trips to various places.

dec-church camp (my first time to KL!) + hubby's india mission trip (10days)

jan-production training trip to US (approx 2 weeks)

feb-1st week i've a retreat, 2nd week another retreat while hubby's at ICT

april-hubby's 2nd ICT, before baby poh arrives

this schedule is so deja vu, as we had experienced similar periods of separation early on in our relationship. the difference now is that we're married, i'm expecting, and staying with my in-laws. aside from the finances that we're trusting God to provide for all of these trips, we're needing to manage the emotional challenges this brings to the relationship.

since we confirmed the pregnancy, the hubby has been such a great source of comfort with his mere presence when i suddenly feel sick, become massively bloated at night, praying for us and baby poh while i struggle to keep awake at night. at the same time, i know i'm needing to learn to be reliant on Him for the strength that i need, and to learn to be independent. the latter will be crucial i think, if i'm seriously considering working and caring for baby poh in the future. it's a challenge to work the gynae appointments around this schedule though. and i haven't gotten to the antenatal classes yet. :P

that said, it was good to be able to see the gynae before the hubby jetted off. though we had an appointment, the queue for the ultrasound scan was over an hour long. we found out why there were possible delays as baby poh wasn't too cooperative that day.

as we stared at the screen with amazement when the images of baby poh came on, i realized that his/her size could only mean one thing: i'm more pregnant than i thought. true enough, the specialist (not the gynae) announced that i'm 3months pregnant. but i was totally distracted with staring at our little one to realize what this meant till we left the room. the specialist needed to vertically measure baby poh but repeated probing of my stomach failed to make baby poh move from a horizontal position. but the way baby poh floundered in the womb when probed was absolutely hilarious and cute (: even a walk proved futile to budge my probably sleeping baby.

once out of the room and waiting to see the gynae, i whipped out my calendar to count when i had conceived. last week of july. that means, my weird hormones had caused me to ovulate extremely quickly, for my period had ended just the week before. or maybe even a few days, since i don't keep track of these things very well. anyhow, baby poh is expected to be due on 26april, with the possibility of being a week early.

now that we have baby poh, it'll be 2 of us waiting for the hubby to return (:

15 july 2009

today we came so close to being seriously injured. leaving the office to go view a flat, we were almost late actually, but didn't walk too fast. suddenly from our right, a car drove up the kerb and crashed into a small tree. i screamed at the suddenness of it, shocked that we were less than a metre away from being hit had the tree not been there to bear the brunt of the impact.

recovering from the initial shock, we quickly looked at the driver, only to find that he was having a fit. i think we probably never felt as helpless and shocked at the same time. ok i have, when grandpa died, but that's a different kind. hubby quickly called for an ambulance while i called the police, all the time fighting the adrenaline that was making my heart pound and tears that wanted to but couldn't come.

the poor driver went into at least 3 fits before the ambulance came. the silly police however, didn't come the whole time we waited. we finally left the scene as the paramedics prepared to cart the guy to the hospital.

even as i write this now, i may not have gotten over the incident. probably take a few days? the screech of the tyres, the sight of the car ploughing up and into the tree, the man going into multiple fits while we stood helplessly watching. only hours later did memories of what to do when someone gets a fit come to mind. as much as i'm shocked, i think the driver feels much worse, having gotten into an accident in such a manner.

i'm thankful, for the protection He laid upon us, for the tree that was planted there, that it was strong enough to bear the brunt of the impact. thankful that safety didn't elude us in the few seconds there. thankful, for life in itself. thankful for the hubby's strong embrace to calm me as much as possible.

we eventually saw 2 flats, one in bkt batok, one in clementi. the latter is so desirable, but the last offer at such a high vlaue that we're unsure..at least i know i am. it's so hard to know what's the best price to pay for a combination of factors for a house that will become a home. Lord, we need Your wisdom, and the discernment to have Your peace.

pray for us as we search for our home...

pre wedding jitters

never thought i'd feel this anxious, or fearful. but i do.

fear of the unknown, and the known. anxious of how life will be as i enter the phase called change. funny how i still struggle with change this much, when change is pretty much a constant in life.

these few days have shown me and hubby2be so much of my ugliness, it shocks me to know that he still wants to marry me. scary isn't it, to have such conversations and thoughts less than 2weeks to the wedding? but this really just shows me how unworthy I am. it shows me how desperately i am in need of God.

so as i count the days down (11, 12?) to the big day, i'm needing to remember to REST, with YOU. needing to take in my last days of being a single, an independent, that the days of me being an emotional selfish b**** have to die one by one if i want to truly love mr poh. [sorry if you're offended by my use of language. but i've realised that there're days i'm carnal enough to deserve that name :( ]

i'm not the only one having jitters. think grandma has her own too. i do hope the crying'll stop, so i won't be a puffer fish bride. i do hope even more, that my heart'll be yielded so He can mould me.

girlfriends who are reading this, thank you SO MUCH, for having journeyed with me at different points in my life, that have shaped me to this day. and i trust you will continue to do so. cuz that's what He placed you in my life for.

now there're vows to memorize, speech to prepare for, and thank you cards to make (:

by the way, only today it hit me, 'WHAT was i thinking to go for a 3hour dance class 2days before the wedding???' *sigh* me and my brain. craziness.

facing the pain within

this morning i woke up feeling the worst i've felt since i got news about grandpa's passing. felt like i needed to bawl like mad, but i had to get ready to leave the house for planning retreat. felt so tight in my heart, like a dam was about to burst, if only a crack in its walls would appear. wasn't sure how i'd survive the entire day either, even though i only had to be there for the morning. 

so when P. said he felt it wasn't right that i'm there sitting for the meeting when i'm obviously hurting, i couldn't hold my tears back any longer. having had to blink back hot tears throughout my journey to the retreat had been hard enough, but i wasn't sure i could meet anyone's expectations to engage well in the meeting that lay ahead. so thankful i was graciously given the day off, and unloaded the first avalanche of tears as they prayed for me before i trooped off to spend time on my own. 

i didn't think i would be in a position of delayed grieving, but i suppose the mirade of activities and people during the wake and funeral stuff played its part in me stuffing away how i really felt: apply leave, take care of grandma, serve guests drinks...

i think i wasn't prepared for the pain grandpa's death would bring either. the late morning spent at east coast park journalling memories of him that came flooding in, dealing with the shock of pain and the wave of tears that accompanied it...it's quite a process i guess. the good, the bad, the wishes, the regrets. 

i miss him, even though he missed out on half of my life due to dementia. the first half of it more than makes up for it i guess, cuz even though he never said 'i love you' (being a man of few words), it is without a doubt that i was deeply loved, so deeply loved by my grandpa.

rest

is what i need.

as much as i'm thankful for all the good that's coming up, already i feel like i seriously need a break. 

to trim my hair, to swim and bum under the sun, to make stuff from my shopping trip to Laine's @ wheelock, to (maybe) make dessert.

 to have an unhurried day having me time and not worrying about work.

i want to run away to bali....or something...

dance

this will sound very ironic, mainly cos of the blog's address but...

i miss dancing. 

*sigh*

what made me first notice was that my thighs are becoming fat. 

and today's prayer meeting at FMC (my first) presented a chance to dance after the meeting while the musicians jammed a bit (with haiks becoming the impromptu drummer). i danced, and while i relished the freedom to do so and the amount of stage space i had, man, i am SO out of shape! (my bones kept cracking and my muscles feel tight already. didn't stretch :P). and i SO need to have input man...(i.e. go for classes!!) 

i'm thankful for that opportunity, and a conversation with one of the pastors about dance. turns out his wife used to learn from shahchah too, and he recognised my dance moves while i worshipped in the initial parts of the prayer meeting. 

although these few months have provided many doors for dance, i'm not dancing. and that's such a big difference. i wanna learn, i wanna receive. want to, need to. no time, no moolah... :(

choreographing's fun though so different an experienced, in helping True Way Pres with the musical. 

i wanna dance again soon. but why am i so hesitant when someone in church asks me if i want to?

grandpa

the recent few days have forced me to think about a question i've long avoided, mainly cuz grandpa was hospitalized again, with lung infection and in a critical state. he's neither improving or getting worse, so today he'll be sent back to the nursing home.

the other trigger was discovering the mental condition of a girl i had led to receive Christ. Apart from being 'stalked' via SMS due to her condition, i was emotionally stressed and distressed last month, to discover that because of the nature of social work, most schizophrenic patients (or clients, as social work would term it to be) would not receive much needful help if 

1. they are unwilling to seek help. [hello, most schizophrenics don't see they've a problem to begin with]
2. their main caregiver(s) are the object(s) of their schizophrenic phobias

And this is apart from the social stigma IMH still has with the large population of the Red Dot and the financial burden it places on families for oral medication that'd control but not necessarily treat the patients' illness. 

I'm no expert here, but just dealing with theses two issues have made me question, 

Why does a loving God allow such pain and suffering to happen?

This is almost similar to questions that many non-Christians would ask about 'the Christian God' or just about 'God', if they even dared to believe one exists at all. 

And yes, I asked that, because I had to. In the face of the anonymous girl's situation and visiting my grandpa, I had to. Let me paint you the physical scenario of grandpa that stared at me during my recent visit to him.

He's had Alzheimer's disease, dementia for the last 10 years+, he's had multiple bouts of  pneumonia cuz his immune system has been almost destroyed. He's uncommunicative by now, slowly turning blind due to the cataracts forming in his eyes, unable to control his eyes much to focus any remaining sight, curled in a fetal position. He's got lung infection with thick phelgm clogging his lungs and airways, coughing painfully and the only way to express pain is when his fingers press against mine; I had stuffed my fingers into his clasped hand, as a form of 'awakening his senses' if you would, by stroking his palm occasionally. His skeletal chest heaves when he coughs, a sound so painful that I started tearing. 

Standing there, in SGH ward 45, I asked God the question.

And in that single moment, in possible bitterness, I almost wanted to forsake all I knew and believed in Him because of what I saw. But in that same moment, the reality that it was only through Him that I can make any sense of this, I started praying for His mercy to be upon grandpa, and hummed '有一位神' in a bid to help him fall asleep. 

So really, why? I can ask endless questions and rant to God about how it shouldn't be and He has the power to heal and prevent the disease from happening so why doesn't He and all that....I mean come on, how many times have I fretted to man and God, how the heck am I am supposed to pray? I don't even know what to pray! 

but that isn't the point. I have to concede that Man is fallen, and mental illness (along with so many other illnesses) are a result of the falleness of humankind. God in His sovereignty allows ALL things to happen for a reason, and for majority of these, we can't comprehend the reasons. I only know that the sole reason grandpa's still alive is because He's breathing in him, while we all wait for him to be brought Home, where he'll have a new body, free from pain and suffering. And seeing grandpa like that, I see the frailty of man, how we're all but dust, how without Him, sustenance of life in any form is impossible. 

I also see God working in my family through grandpa's condition. I know I'm forced to answer this question after all these years. Grandma's care for him (despite her relentless complaints about him) in her visits to the nursing home, dad's fillial piety showing through, bro's heart softening in spite of his down-to-earth demeanour, mum's care for her in-laws. I probably never visited grandpa as often as I wanted to because (1) he couldn't remember who I was for years until a miracle happened earlier this year, and (2) I didn't want to have to face the uncertainty of my heart 

A passage in John 9:1-3 that kept bugging me these few years is part of the answer to my question.

" As he (Jesus) went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, ' Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?'

'Neither this man nor his parents sinned', said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.' "

I think this quite suits grandpa's situation; he's one of the best men I've known. But the work of God has not only been displayed in the 60+ years of his life prior to this, but through his life, that He might still work in the rest of us.