unspoken to you

Hey you, there you go scampering around the house again, with that cheeky smile plastered across your face. You've grown so much you know, and in a couple more months, I'd have to force myself to drop the word "baby" in calling you. Cuz my dear baby Asher, you'll be turning 1 year old soon.

The past 10 months seem to have flown by, yet there were times when I wish time wouldn't crawl so slowly. It hasn't been easy, but I thank God for you, yes, even when you drive me up the wall and I yell at you. Already I wish I had shown restraint in times that I had to discipline you. I wish I could spend more time grabbing you and giving you bear hugs and rain kisses on your chubby cheeks. I love how you chuckle when I zoom in on your tummy, and how you love having me or daddy chase after you on all fours. *smile*

even when you were in the womb I knew you'd be different; just look at the way you moved all around in that tiny space! and true enough, you're different in many ways. Almost every time I'm out with you would I receive a comment on how cute you are or how alert you are. I'm glad that you understand much of what we say to you, and often times, I wonder what goes through your mind and what your babbling actually means. You're ravenous in appetite, and I must say, when it comes to paper too. It's good to know we can depend on you should we ever need to shred some documents ;)

I harbor so many hopes and dreams for you, not so much of what you will accomplish or do as it'd be most excellent that you walk according to His will and obey Him. No, I harbor hopes that you'd be happy to be a little helper when your siblings come along, eager to be the big brother and protector. I imagine scenes of us holding heart to heart conversations even when you journey through adolescence and enter young adulthood. I hope you will know how much you mean to me and your daddy, and how very precious you are to us, and to God. It wouldn't be what you do in life that would account for something, but who you are and the lives you'll impact that will mean more than anything in the world.

I love you dear Asher. You're my darling. *hugs*

character built through 'hardships'

having just come out of our first major (baby) illness, it can barely be justified as a hardship if you compare the calamities and needs many people face all across the world. but the past week had definitely been one of the most challenging by far.

one morning asher suddenly threw up at the end of his milk feed. having experienced such pukings before due to excess phlegm in his system, we decided to 'wait and see how'. however, to my horror, asher couldn't stomach his solid food feed 2hours later either. and off to KKH we went.

After returning home that evening from the diagnosis and painfully beginning the home treatment for asher, haiks and i kena food poisoning that night. the home treatment was painful cuz we had to administer small and diluted milk feeds for asher since he had ingested a virus that was making its course through his tummy. this resulted in having to endure his persistent cries for more milk.

over the next few days, it was a series of cleaning puke and diarrhea as he alternated between the two, enduring his hungry cries, lethargy from lack of food and extreme clingy-ness towards me, while trying to recover from my own bout of bad tummy. it was difficult. it was stretching my physical, heart, mental and spiritual capacity. it broke my heart too, when i saw how much weight asher lost in just 2 days. i wept as i bathed him, aching within that he had to endure such a painful thing at such a young age.

i learnt much in that week, and it opened my eyes to understand just that bit more, of how terrible it must have been for the Father to put His Son through death on the cross.

asher is at the tail end of recuperating and i wonder if the illness had put a dent on his personality as he remains very clingy at times, making me rather frustrated at times. though i know he's going through some separation anxiety, it does make me irritated that i even feel these negative feelings! i suppose its hard for me to accept that a usually sociable boy can behave in such a manner.

still, i know all of these are working within me, fruit that will last.

trials that produce patience

I really want to heave a huge sigh, just cos I feel like I need to 'ren ming', otherwise loosely translated as "accept my fate".

It has FINALLY come to the day (what a long awaited day!!) that the almost 7month old kid is sleeping through the night. I still wake up at 2+ or 4+ for no reason, or at 5 by my MIL's noisy actions in the kitchen and living room till she leaves the house at 6am for work. But its a LOT better than being consistently woken up every hour or every couple of hours by a baby who wakes up for no conceivable reason.

Alas, after one challenge comes another. After I thought I finally found the reason why the baby would scream and cry nonstop while eating his rice cereal (cos I'm feeding too slowly), it seems that he has lost a bit of interest in the 2 flavors of cereal that I have been feeding him. This evening, feeding him was yet another exhausting affair while I fought the hunger and slight giddiness after spending time with him swimming.

Even my grandmother who has cared for 4babies (her own 2, me and my bro) and helped raise several other kids, couldn't help commenting several times that Asher is a very demanding and challenging baby to care for.

So other than being slightly worried how he will take to the new foods I will prepare for him, I'm concerned that he won't take in much and start waking up at night for feeds (as he has done every other night lately). At the same time, he seems to be fussing more when his usual babysitters (my mum and MIL) care for him, which leaves me worried as to how he'll be if I still proceed with the plan of leaving him in mum's care for the 4Dec wedding.

All that said, I know that these challenges only cause me to lean on Him more and more, to learn patience every few hours in a day, 7 days a week. I keep hoping for the silver lining to come, but I think that after one challenge, another will pop its head to say 'Hi'. Like the next set of teeth that I anticipate to come at 8 months, or the challenges of transition when we move to our home. Or staying at a different place for staff summit. With so many changes that happen so very often, this girl who very much thrives in stability is definitely thankful that our God is unchanging!!

grace that is sufficient

the past week had been an extremely difficult one. even though the haze had thankfully dissipated (mostly), the baby and I were still battling the effects of it on our health. I probably felt it more, considering how the phlegm stubbornly stayed in my lungs and coughing left me breathless and tired. What made it worse was that Asher began to teeth and slept horribly in the nights, leaving me utterly exhausted and desperately needing to recover and just, REST.

and so i broke down yesterday. after the MIL brought Asher out, I let loose the dam that was bursting at the seams. I let it out, howling (literally) my exhaustion and helplessness out. I managed to get an hour's nap after that and rationalized that I couldn't stress myself any further wondering if it was the teething or insufficient food that had kept the baby up before. I'll hafta take it one night at a time.

I reminded myself multiple times that His Grace is sufficient for me, and I don't think it's a coincidence that the hubby prayed the exact same words over us last night.

There's a slew of events facing the physically exhausted hubby this week, I sprained my back this morning and am a little stressed over the MIL's ideas of feeding the baby solids (which conflict somewhat with mine). While I try not to worry about how I will settle both my and the baby's meals in the near future, I again turn to His Promise, that His Grace IS sufficient.

It often feels like the mundane take up so much of my time and energy, yet in this I have found joy and precious moments that linger and bring tears to my eyes. Like how one morning in my sleepy state, I peeped through my eyes to see the baby, refusing to nap, grinned at me in delight and buried his face into my arm as his form of adoration. Moments, precious ones.

sacrifices

last night as I lay in bed and looked at some Facebook photos of a girl's dance journey in the commercial world, I felt sad (for her) [don't ask] and started crying (for myself). Was it self pity for myself?

As I let the words come out of my mouth upon the husband's probing regarding my tears, I know I was crying because I miss dancing, so very very much. I almost feel like inspiration has all but disappeared from within just cuz I haven't danced in such a long time. I did wonder if God had forgotten about my dreams and aspirations, but I know that deep within, that's not true. And when I look at my baby boy, I know it's worth it. *breathes out* even if I can't stand how out of shape my body is, how unfit I am, how much I long to go for dance classes, to dance in worship, to watch as many dance performances as I want to in a whim's notice.... it's worth it, even as I still tear now and then.

Self-pity? maybe... but I also know that it's part of my process of coming to terms FULLY, about this season. Because even if I could attain all my dreams and aspirations, I wouldn't be happy if I'm not loving and obeying Him. As someone wrote on FB and I quote, "I was made from Love, to love and for love."

3 months of motherhood

It's been a long while. And so much has happened.

I had said in my last entry that I would be induced. Well, turns out that I started having contractions at around 9+am on 25th April and after over 20 hours of labor, Asher was finally born on 26th April :) and yes, I had epidural. Didn't want to but the other painkillers didn't work and I was screaming away in pain while only being less than 5cm dilated.

So how's it been like these past 3 months? There's a whole range of emotions, and heart processes to be dealt with. I had to deal with Asher having difficulty latching when I breastfed him, then decided to express the milk instead which exhausted me and finally decided to stop the breastmilk. That was a difficult decision and Haiks persuaded me that in stopping the breastmilk did not mean that I was not giving Asher the best. You know how it is, with breastmilk being the rage and how it IS the best for babies, FOC and having antibodies, I was in a huge dilemma in wanting to stop. But if I didn't stop, I was incapable of doing anything just cuz how expressing took up more time, energy and robbed me of more much needed sleep.

What made it worse was having to cope with mastitis (breast infection), engorgement and blocked ducts during that process. The pain and discomfort as I endured all that before starting to wean was nothing compared to the engorgement that came later. I was so engorged that I went through 7 shirts in 10hours as I was leaking breastmilk constantly, soaking each shirt and the towel I placed in bed to absorb the milk. Had to go to KK to get a stronger medication to stop the lactation and a major painkiller to stop the pain. All this because I had A LOT of milk.

So ironic right? Too much of a good thing created so much trouble for me and I'm now fearful of breastfeeding again in future :( In fact, the abundant milk caused Asher to choke constantly cuz the flow was too strong for him to nurse properly :S

I AM thankful that Asher began to sleep through the night without having to feed before he turned 2months old. I'm trying to train him to not wake up at 4+ and 5+ before his feed at 7am, since he used to feed at those times.

Recently, we celebrated our 1st year anniversary as husband and wife and it was a bittersweet evening. It was good to have time alone and enjoy dinner together but we had to talk through issues that had been surfacing ever since Asher arrived. It's never easy hearing your husband say that you've become different, and not for the better! I knew that I had lost my temper too often, at Asher and at the hubby and I often blamed it on hormones and a lack of sleep. Which wasn't entirely wrong since the hormonal change after delivering and weaning was totally crazy!! We also realized that I was being stressed out by my MIL (mum-in-law). As much I deeply appreciate her help and wisdom in caring for Asher, our differing opinions and methods of caring for him often made me feel insecure, agitated and totally useless as a mother when I was trying my hardest. Yet I have also come to terms that severely lacking in my heart is the ability to love more and to live in peace and to hold my tongue. All of which I need to rely on God daily for. Talk about His mercies being new every morning! :)

Just 2days ago, I had to face another difficult 'situation'. There was the chance of dancing for an event come August and I was so tempted to do so. In fact, it almost seemed possible that I could dance in it but I made the very difficult decision not to. It was so difficult, forcing myself to deny something I love so much. It doesn't help that it's dance season now and there a dozen events that I want to watch or take part in. But I'm not just a wife now, I'm a mother too. It just felt irresponsible to place Asher with someone and go for dance practice, come home tired and possibly irritated with Asher (and maybe the hubby) for whatever reasons and just having a bad experience altogether.

I know it seems like I'm painting a bad picture of motherhood thus far but I'm just being honest about the journey. I love being a mum, I do. I like bathing Asher, hugging him, making him laugh and seeing how he's growing (and man, is he growing!!) But I also resent the demands of motherhood. I get incensed when he wakes up for (what I think is) no reason after patting him to sleep for 5-15minutes and he sleeps for 5 minutes or half an hour, being woken up by some noisy neighbor or a family member talks too loudly.

I want to dance again. I want to be able to cook my own meals and not have a baby being so dependent on me for his every need. I want to be able to go out without having to plan so far ahead about the time and all of the needs that Asher has. I want to be able to spend time with my husband without either of us feeling tired or being interrupted by a baby who needs to feed soon or wants to sleep. Yet, these are all responsibilities of a mother that can be an offering to the Father if I do it with a heart of worship and not grudgingly. And I never fail to tear when I am reminded of this fact. Just today, I'm reminded that because of what I'm giving to Asher, I'm blessed. And as a song goes, "out of Your Hand, we give to You"

It's less than a month away to the end of my maternity leave and I'll have to try juggling another (huge) thing on my plate. I firmly believe there isn't a more challenging job in the world than being a mother; my hats off to the mothers who have many kids and do it all on their own!! In the meantime, I'm looking forward to when Asher will roll over and continues his baby developments :)

turn of events

After imagining for weeks on end how I might enter labor, I'm now scheduled to go for induced labor on 26th, Asher's estimated due date.

Initially okay with it, I became paranoid and anxious after reading online about the risks involved and how I don't fall into the usual categories of needing to have an induced labor. I'm thankful that my gynae returned my call and explained that the placenta would spoil after 40weeks of pregnancy and it's best for the baby to come out. At the same time, being reassured by the words in Psalm 121 helped to ease my anxious heart. Pardon the pun, but the following words really helped!!

"The Lord watches over you...The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

This week has really been a teary one, as I battle the various emotions while waiting for Asher to arrive. It varies from anxiety to paranoia, anticipation to excitement and back to fear...all in less than an hour almost everyday!! And I think childbirth is one of the few things when one will get to experience both joy and pain at the same time. heh.

So, if Asher doesn't come out before Mon, and I don't have an excessively long labor, it will be 26th April. You'll hear from me (or the hubby). See you some time soon blog.

i like...

to gently massage Asher's fist/foot when he pokes it upwards and i can see/feel a rounded shape in my abdomen

how pregnancy is such a lovely gift despite its inconveniences

watching the wobbles in my tummy whenever Asher moves about inside

the father-son bonding whenever the hubby leans to my tummy to talk to our son

family hugs-me and the hubby and our arms around my tummy (:

how interesting it'll be to see Asher take on different characteristics from each of his parents :P

8 weeks and counting...

yup, i'm 8 more weeks till i hit full term of 37weeks. since full term's anywhere from 37 to 40 weeks, i'm keeping myself mentally prepared for baby Asher to come anytime between that. hopefully though, he'll arrive after 9th April. the hubby'll still be in reservist then but hopefully he'll be fully released should i go into labor then, and not be kept in for the full duration of service.

i'm a bit baffled as to how much rounder i can get cuz i feel really big already. i mean, compared to how i was pre-pregnancy, i am considerably big. in addition, there are nights where i get so achy that i cry, wishing that the pregnancy would end already :P yet i know that if the kid comes out now i'll be worried sick more than anything.

turns out my gynae's pregnant too! haha. so my last appointment didn't work out cuz she called in on mc minutes before i turned up. the good thing was that i had my scan done half an hour before that so it wasn't a wasted trip to the hospital. and here's a look at my darling boy!! (:

that's his entire face you're looking at. just tilt your head to the left to see him right side up. it was really cute to see him open and close his mouth during the scan, taking in the amniotic fluid. he looks like he's got chubby cheeks! and looks like he might be bald...hahaha....can't wait to see him!

where He desires me to be

hello february!

hard to believe it's already the second month of the year. hey, where did my weekend go? heh, i might have more of those exclamations in time to come ;)

last night i allowed myself to fully feel the emotions about an 'issue'. it really isn't such a big deal, in the bigger picture, but i guess it was something i needed to sort out for myself, and not allow it to fester into bitterness in future.

last year i was challenged by my boss to enter a leadership training program that would span a year, and take place in different cities over the world. the hubby encouraged me to take it on and after some thought, i was won over by it, especially how such an opportunity wouldn't come easy. i was apprehensive though, when i would be pregnant as there were 'conditions' attached to the training; having a kid would pose greater challenges to fulfilling the responsibilities required.

and as it turns out, i did become pregnant and after a brief discussion with my boss, we decided that i'd forgo the chance this time round. at that time, i was pretty okay with it. or so i thought.

seeing in the work calendar that a gf would be flying off for the training this week suddenly made me wonder how things might be different. and i caught myself-am i actually wishing that things were different?

a hard look at my heart revealed that yes, i would very much like to still be on the program. at the same time, i can't help feeling and wondering if i might be 'missing out' on some things in my work life just cuz i'm going to become a mother. after all, most of my peers are only beginning to settle down now and a kid won't be in the picture for at least another year or two. and there's no denying the emotions of feeling alone and more than just a little lost at times. but really, He deemed me ready enough to become a mother in less than 3 months...so, that says something, right?

i don't regret, cuz this kid's really special (just look at how He protected him from harm while i lived in total ignorance for 2 months about the pregnancy). He's placed me here in this season cuz that's what is best for me, and not somewhere else. and to understand what it'll be like to become a parent, i'll learn more of how He is a Father to me.

this is where He desires me to be. and this is where i'll learn to embrace all that comes my way.

becoming mama

we finally had the long awaited scan yesterday, and discovered that we're going to have a boy (: i was a mixture of happiness and disappointment, the latter being that i've been hoping that our first child would be a girl. but staring at the ultrasound and seeing the boy's facial features, so delicately but clearly formed, i started to tear. here i was staring at my unborn child, known yet unknown.

there was a brief scare, when the technician said she needed one of the senior doctors to look at the baby's heart structure just to make sure everything's alright. i had seen a white spot in baby poh's heart through the ultrasound and true enough, that was the point of concern. thankfully, the doctor said it's not a tumor but the muscle insertion (or something like that) as the heart forms and grows. praying that the white spot will disappear in time.

i'm fearful now and again. i confess that i think i'd find mothering a girl a lot easier cuz i'm a woman. in fact, i'm clueless even as i start thinking of mothering a son. the world of trucks and cars are foreign to me. while the hubby would be a lot more adapt in this area of boys' toys, i would be the one spending most of the time with the little one since i'll be working from home, caring for the baby at the same time. in fact, i had rationalized that God wouldn't give us a boy cuz i just don't feel ready to mother a boy yet. some rationale. :P

yet another huge thing to trust God for! haha.

the process of finding a suitable name for baby poh has begun. there's so much to consider, especially with the mandarin name needing to sound nice in mandarin, hokkien AND cantonese. furthermore, the final initials can't be weird since the boy has to go to the army in future.

here's a look at our baby boy (: it's a little blur cuz i took a picture of the ultrasound with my phone. but it almost feels like he posed for us to see how he looks like. i love him (:

the beginning of december

this is a long overdue post, mainly cuz i've been too busy at work. this month is gonna be crazy preparing for Meta since we're doing a workshop, a dance skit and dancing for a worship set. thankfully i'm not involved in the last one, also cuz i don't think my current roundness would be very graceful :P

i'm feeling a little grouchy and more than a tad disappointed now. just found out that our ballot number for the j.west flats way exceeds the number of available flats. i suppose having baby poh on the way makes it more urgent...don't quite know how to think even though i'd prayed for grace to accept the results He gives us. this might mean having to raise baby poh for the first few months in the already cramped in-law's place :S i need to talk to God...

anyway, something that i wanted to post were pictures of how i looked like in November, with the baby bump showing (:

3rd Nov at 4months

19Nov at 18.3weeks

today at 19 weeks.

the dress i'm wearing is from cotton on, but it really looks like a maternity dress on me. you can't really see the baby bump i suppose, even with my hands pressed down against the dress so as to make it more obvious. heh.

a common question i receive is if people have been offering me their seats. so far, only 1 lady has done so voluntarily. most times the seat was emptied when the passenger alighted at his/her stop. in any case, i hardly look my age, much less married. i've resigned to receiving dirty looks from strangers and being mistaken to be a teenage pregnancy case. heh.

december will see the hubby being really busy!! i will be too, with work and making his prezzie. heh. ok, baby's kicking and it's lunch time. please pray we'll have a solution for our housing needs!

dancing+baby

last night i enjoyed watching a dance performance with the bride-to-be and came away feeling a little amused at myself.

there were mainly classical acts, with two contemporary ones which i must say, were actually my favorite. i don't know if it's cuz the usual excerpts of classic pieces are performed so often that i've become a little bored with the choreography (since the choreo can't divert too much cuz well, they're classics) OR i'm just dying to see the full story being performed.

OR it could be that i'm just more naturally intrigued by the challenges choreographers take upon themselves to pair non-classical songs with renewed creativity, producing refreshing pieces over and over again. while i love the fine lines and grace that ballet embraces, the way that contemporary and modern styles dare to break new ground and challenge the use of space, time and the human body is always exciting for me. yet there really is no better training (in terms of foundation) than what ballet is able to offer for a dancer.

that said, there were 'interesting' moments last night too.

a spectator who used flash photography during the performance who later had the camera confiscated (like, hello!!?? where's your manners and sense of respect for fellow audience and the dancers??)

a not so little girl seated in front of us putting her foot onto the railing before her, thereby blocking our view and confounding me when her mum didn't do anything about it.

highly enthusiastic members of the audience who kept applauding at totally inappropriate moments, drowning out the music that the dancers needed to hear and spoiling a few moments of suspense inherent in the piece.

i was also a little amused at how much the bride-to-be fussed over me so much :P the hubby just smiled when i told him about it. hee.

****

i feel a little perplexed at this stage of pregnancy: i'm not supposed to feel anything in the womb yet but last night every time i turned in my sleep, i could feel the shift in weight at the tummy. makes me wonder if i made baby poh giddy :P

my tummy's hurting again too. it happened the first time on sunday morning, when short sharp pulls in the right side of the tummy made it real uncomfortable. a friend said it could be the baby pulling at the umbilical cord or the womb's expanding, as it happened to her in her first pregnancy. this morning, the pain's in the left side. and still is happening as i type this.

with the number of things that can go wrong in a pregnancy, how did women in the past survive with the little knowledge they had? gosh.

not enough

as i lay in bed on sunday night while waiting for the hubby to come to bed, i suddenly melted into a puddle of tears.

fears of not being able to be the mum i want to be, of not being able to parent my kid(s) well, of the times of hurt i'll experience when they rebel (ya, think so far right)...fears that i'll not be enough.

as the hubby prayed for us and baby poh, felt God remind me "you're not meant to be enough. I didn't create you to be enough. only I am."

the Truth that i needed! even the hubby and i aren't enough for each other, and we can't be. i will never be enough for my kids, and this i must tell myself when the perfectionist-idealistic me springs up to attempt to conquer the world. or when the kids feel disappointed in their mum who is only human. they too will need to learn that i'm not meant to be enough for them. only God is.

time passing me by

it's been a week since our first gynae visit, but it feels way more than that. it's quite scary too, that i'm starting my 4th month into the pregnancy.

if i allow myself to, i might start freaking out at the expenses for the numerous baby stuff (essentials) that are needed, about breastfeeding correctly, about labor, about our hopefully soon to receive home, about putting on weight and not fat, about eating well for baby poh and me...about a million things. in a blink of an eye, i'm gonna be a mum, whether or not i feel ready.

*sigh* i MUST not allow faith to be shaken, especially if i only choose to look at myself or to cower when fear looms around. worry isn't of God, and without faith it is impossible to please God. when i falter, help me to overcome my unbelief Lord!

the miracle of creation

i had signed up as a member of babycenter.com and every week they'll send me an email to tell me how the baby's growing inside the womb, and what unseen changes are taking place. here's what it says of week 13.

Fingerprints have formed on your baby's tiny fingertips, her veins and organs are clearly visible through her still-thin skin, and her body is starting to catch up with her head -- which makes up just a third of her body size now. If you're having a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries. Your baby is almost 3 inches long (the size of a medium shrimp) and weighs nearly an ounce. As you start your second trimester, most of your baby's critical development will be completed and your odds of miscarriage drop considerably

3inches is about 7.5cm, a growth of 1.5cm from last week. how in the world does 7.5cm contain all the organs??

it's real cool that the fingerprints have been formed :)

and i didn't even know we're capable of 2million eggs. but if we (i.e. gals) ovulate from say...13-50, that still makes it less than 500 eggs being used. what happens to the rest of the 1.9million eggs?? 2million eggs in a 7.5cm foetus??

don't even try to sell me the idea that evolution is the way man. nooooo way. this, has to be the work of an amazing God (:

wanting to leave a legacy

as part of my IBS homework to journal about the psalms, i was doing an entry on psalm 25 on friday and verse 14 stuck out like a sore thumb.

"The secret of the LORD is with those who fear Him, and he will show them His covenant."

having been reading and thinking quite a bit recently on David and Solomon, i became convinced that the fear of God is of utmost importance, no matter what spiritual gifts or wisdom one may have. and i was determined that baby poh learns this from young, and that we as his/her parents, will demonstrate that in our lives. it won't be easy! even bible bigshots had their pitfalls. but such a legacy will go beyond anything that we can offer our children in their lives.

as i began to pray for baby poh on saturday night while lying in bed, i suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion. it almost seemed like i had a delayed emotional reaction to the whole pregnancy cuz i cried like mad as i prayed, thanking God for creating baby poh, the way He protected the child while i danced like nobody's business in july-august, totally unaware of the little one inside me. it was a good cry, almost comforting actually.

i went on a shopping trip yesterday with joey, and headed to my sunset home for dinner with family. i thought i had shopped quite a bit, but when my mum started pulling out clothes from her wardrobe for me to try, i was quite astounded. in the end i lugged back another bag of clothes from my mum's stash, stuff that she rarely wears these days. i have absolutely no more space in my wardrobe for any more clothes, unless i try to reorganize the way things are arranged. but i'm really pleased with one particular top mum passed to me. it's a top that she wore when she was pregnant with me! :D can you imagine? it's 25 years old! i don't know if i can make it last till my own daughter gets pregnant in future but i just thought it's kinda cool to wear what my mum wore when she had me (: my brother thought it was really weird though. i told him it's probably a girl thing. i shall take a picture of it when i get around to wearing it.

when the hubby jets off around the world

last night i sent the hubby (and 2 other colleagues) off at the airport for their 5day recce trip to calcutta. this is going to be the first of quite a few of the hubby's trips to various places.

dec-church camp (my first time to KL!) + hubby's india mission trip (10days)

jan-production training trip to US (approx 2 weeks)

feb-1st week i've a retreat, 2nd week another retreat while hubby's at ICT

april-hubby's 2nd ICT, before baby poh arrives

this schedule is so deja vu, as we had experienced similar periods of separation early on in our relationship. the difference now is that we're married, i'm expecting, and staying with my in-laws. aside from the finances that we're trusting God to provide for all of these trips, we're needing to manage the emotional challenges this brings to the relationship.

since we confirmed the pregnancy, the hubby has been such a great source of comfort with his mere presence when i suddenly feel sick, become massively bloated at night, praying for us and baby poh while i struggle to keep awake at night. at the same time, i know i'm needing to learn to be reliant on Him for the strength that i need, and to learn to be independent. the latter will be crucial i think, if i'm seriously considering working and caring for baby poh in the future. it's a challenge to work the gynae appointments around this schedule though. and i haven't gotten to the antenatal classes yet. :P

that said, it was good to be able to see the gynae before the hubby jetted off. though we had an appointment, the queue for the ultrasound scan was over an hour long. we found out why there were possible delays as baby poh wasn't too cooperative that day.

as we stared at the screen with amazement when the images of baby poh came on, i realized that his/her size could only mean one thing: i'm more pregnant than i thought. true enough, the specialist (not the gynae) announced that i'm 3months pregnant. but i was totally distracted with staring at our little one to realize what this meant till we left the room. the specialist needed to vertically measure baby poh but repeated probing of my stomach failed to make baby poh move from a horizontal position. but the way baby poh floundered in the womb when probed was absolutely hilarious and cute (: even a walk proved futile to budge my probably sleeping baby.

once out of the room and waiting to see the gynae, i whipped out my calendar to count when i had conceived. last week of july. that means, my weird hormones had caused me to ovulate extremely quickly, for my period had ended just the week before. or maybe even a few days, since i don't keep track of these things very well. anyhow, baby poh is expected to be due on 26april, with the possibility of being a week early.

now that we have baby poh, it'll be 2 of us waiting for the hubby to return (: