trials that produce patience

I really want to heave a huge sigh, just cos I feel like I need to 'ren ming', otherwise loosely translated as "accept my fate".

It has FINALLY come to the day (what a long awaited day!!) that the almost 7month old kid is sleeping through the night. I still wake up at 2+ or 4+ for no reason, or at 5 by my MIL's noisy actions in the kitchen and living room till she leaves the house at 6am for work. But its a LOT better than being consistently woken up every hour or every couple of hours by a baby who wakes up for no conceivable reason.

Alas, after one challenge comes another. After I thought I finally found the reason why the baby would scream and cry nonstop while eating his rice cereal (cos I'm feeding too slowly), it seems that he has lost a bit of interest in the 2 flavors of cereal that I have been feeding him. This evening, feeding him was yet another exhausting affair while I fought the hunger and slight giddiness after spending time with him swimming.

Even my grandmother who has cared for 4babies (her own 2, me and my bro) and helped raise several other kids, couldn't help commenting several times that Asher is a very demanding and challenging baby to care for.

So other than being slightly worried how he will take to the new foods I will prepare for him, I'm concerned that he won't take in much and start waking up at night for feeds (as he has done every other night lately). At the same time, he seems to be fussing more when his usual babysitters (my mum and MIL) care for him, which leaves me worried as to how he'll be if I still proceed with the plan of leaving him in mum's care for the 4Dec wedding.

All that said, I know that these challenges only cause me to lean on Him more and more, to learn patience every few hours in a day, 7 days a week. I keep hoping for the silver lining to come, but I think that after one challenge, another will pop its head to say 'Hi'. Like the next set of teeth that I anticipate to come at 8 months, or the challenges of transition when we move to our home. Or staying at a different place for staff summit. With so many changes that happen so very often, this girl who very much thrives in stability is definitely thankful that our God is unchanging!!

3 months of motherhood

It's been a long while. And so much has happened.

I had said in my last entry that I would be induced. Well, turns out that I started having contractions at around 9+am on 25th April and after over 20 hours of labor, Asher was finally born on 26th April :) and yes, I had epidural. Didn't want to but the other painkillers didn't work and I was screaming away in pain while only being less than 5cm dilated.

So how's it been like these past 3 months? There's a whole range of emotions, and heart processes to be dealt with. I had to deal with Asher having difficulty latching when I breastfed him, then decided to express the milk instead which exhausted me and finally decided to stop the breastmilk. That was a difficult decision and Haiks persuaded me that in stopping the breastmilk did not mean that I was not giving Asher the best. You know how it is, with breastmilk being the rage and how it IS the best for babies, FOC and having antibodies, I was in a huge dilemma in wanting to stop. But if I didn't stop, I was incapable of doing anything just cuz how expressing took up more time, energy and robbed me of more much needed sleep.

What made it worse was having to cope with mastitis (breast infection), engorgement and blocked ducts during that process. The pain and discomfort as I endured all that before starting to wean was nothing compared to the engorgement that came later. I was so engorged that I went through 7 shirts in 10hours as I was leaking breastmilk constantly, soaking each shirt and the towel I placed in bed to absorb the milk. Had to go to KK to get a stronger medication to stop the lactation and a major painkiller to stop the pain. All this because I had A LOT of milk.

So ironic right? Too much of a good thing created so much trouble for me and I'm now fearful of breastfeeding again in future :( In fact, the abundant milk caused Asher to choke constantly cuz the flow was too strong for him to nurse properly :S

I AM thankful that Asher began to sleep through the night without having to feed before he turned 2months old. I'm trying to train him to not wake up at 4+ and 5+ before his feed at 7am, since he used to feed at those times.

Recently, we celebrated our 1st year anniversary as husband and wife and it was a bittersweet evening. It was good to have time alone and enjoy dinner together but we had to talk through issues that had been surfacing ever since Asher arrived. It's never easy hearing your husband say that you've become different, and not for the better! I knew that I had lost my temper too often, at Asher and at the hubby and I often blamed it on hormones and a lack of sleep. Which wasn't entirely wrong since the hormonal change after delivering and weaning was totally crazy!! We also realized that I was being stressed out by my MIL (mum-in-law). As much I deeply appreciate her help and wisdom in caring for Asher, our differing opinions and methods of caring for him often made me feel insecure, agitated and totally useless as a mother when I was trying my hardest. Yet I have also come to terms that severely lacking in my heart is the ability to love more and to live in peace and to hold my tongue. All of which I need to rely on God daily for. Talk about His mercies being new every morning! :)

Just 2days ago, I had to face another difficult 'situation'. There was the chance of dancing for an event come August and I was so tempted to do so. In fact, it almost seemed possible that I could dance in it but I made the very difficult decision not to. It was so difficult, forcing myself to deny something I love so much. It doesn't help that it's dance season now and there a dozen events that I want to watch or take part in. But I'm not just a wife now, I'm a mother too. It just felt irresponsible to place Asher with someone and go for dance practice, come home tired and possibly irritated with Asher (and maybe the hubby) for whatever reasons and just having a bad experience altogether.

I know it seems like I'm painting a bad picture of motherhood thus far but I'm just being honest about the journey. I love being a mum, I do. I like bathing Asher, hugging him, making him laugh and seeing how he's growing (and man, is he growing!!) But I also resent the demands of motherhood. I get incensed when he wakes up for (what I think is) no reason after patting him to sleep for 5-15minutes and he sleeps for 5 minutes or half an hour, being woken up by some noisy neighbor or a family member talks too loudly.

I want to dance again. I want to be able to cook my own meals and not have a baby being so dependent on me for his every need. I want to be able to go out without having to plan so far ahead about the time and all of the needs that Asher has. I want to be able to spend time with my husband without either of us feeling tired or being interrupted by a baby who needs to feed soon or wants to sleep. Yet, these are all responsibilities of a mother that can be an offering to the Father if I do it with a heart of worship and not grudgingly. And I never fail to tear when I am reminded of this fact. Just today, I'm reminded that because of what I'm giving to Asher, I'm blessed. And as a song goes, "out of Your Hand, we give to You"

It's less than a month away to the end of my maternity leave and I'll have to try juggling another (huge) thing on my plate. I firmly believe there isn't a more challenging job in the world than being a mother; my hats off to the mothers who have many kids and do it all on their own!! In the meantime, I'm looking forward to when Asher will roll over and continues his baby developments :)

THE Bag

I'm so happy with my new bag that I've decided to blog about it (:

I must first explain that while I'm not short on the number of bags that I own (as many girls do), I'm talking about THE ONE that you'll choose over the rest, the most carried and used cuz it suits the occasion, outfit or purpose. And I had that, a white shoulder bag from Hong Kong H&M at only S$20-25 bought in 2008. Which was flaking horrendously all over my clothes and body as it shed its skin from being overused :( I was wearing it out till its fullest but needed to find a replacement as I can't have the bag flaking all over Asher in future. A few relatively cheap purchases failed to live up to my expectations and needs of THE BAG.

SO...after foolishly toying with the idea of splurging on a 2nd hand Fossil Bag from e-bay (ya, what was I thinking right? gonna have a kid and still can afford that kind of splurge. pfft) and almost buying a handmade bag from Thailand through etsy, I chanced upon a bag shop at Plaza Sing when I met j. for prata dinner. And I almost didn't buy it! Cuz the zipper's direction was created for right-handed bag people. I'm a right hander but I carry my bags on the left shoulder. Thank goodness j. convinced me that it was a silly reason not to get it and I must say, I'm glad I listened to her (: So here it is!!

Ok, the color is prettier in reality cuz I think the office fluorescent light just kills photos. It's definitely bigger than what I had initially wanted but hey, it means I can probably throw in Asher's things too when I dare to venture out of the house with him in future.

beautiful nature

the recent weather (long periods of scorching sun and sporadic rain) has allowed many of the trees and plants to produce flowers in intense blooms. and i smile everyday at these lovely sights.

sharing at a cell meeting that seeing such pretty works of His hand helps to perk me up led the hubby to say somewhat bewilderedly, "It does nothing for me!"

Oh but even the frailty of a drying rose brings much cheer to my soul. I'll enjoy the flowers while they last.

:)

3 Years

(: today marks our 3rd year together.

and there's no better gift than to have the hubby home safe, and thankfully, nasal congestion free.

thank You for so much grace and love to us.

and here's to many more years of that.

i am...

thrilled every time i feel baby poh kicking, punching or somersaulting inside the womb. though at wee hours of the morning at times, i cherish it as it's a special connection that i have with him. and for only a few more months before he enters the world.

irritated at increased sensitivity of my skin, especially between my fingers. the perpetual itch almost feels like eczema, all red and scaly and dry :(

feeling all stuffed in my nose and wishing that my nose and ears would clear for good. really soon.

a bit dismayed to see that designers cater a lot more to baby girls than boys in their merchandise. c'mon, boys can wear nice clothes too y'know.

thankful for the beautiful greenery that S'pore has. just seeing how well trimmed they are, or the way the plants flower or bear fruit always makes me feel better, no matter what mood i'm in. it's almost like a reminder that God's at work, even when i think He's being rather silent.

hoping to go for a dip soon, to exercise the muscles a bit.

wondering if my nose will allow me to make it out of the house for the wedding tomorrow :S

looking forward to meeting joey soon. whenever that is (:

missing the hubby already, even though he just flew off last night. :P

sunday

was a rarity that i enjoyed. the hubby and i woke up without the alarm going off, an hour earlier than intended. we had the luxury of time to get ready before leaving the house for breakfast together. i must explain that this was a rare time that the hubby wasn't serving in church, so i really relished the time we had (: even waiting in line for 15min for our bee hoon breakfast was worth it.

since breakfast was rather filling, we decided to skip lunch and strolled our way to catch a bus to the extra storage space the hubby's stuff is stashed at. i like such walks (: of course, it was a plus that we went to daily scoop thereafter for the much needed a/c and yummylicious waffle+gelato :D

it was a nice way to spend the sunday, and definitely a memory to keep before the craziness of work stuff commences tomorrow!

wanting to leave a legacy

as part of my IBS homework to journal about the psalms, i was doing an entry on psalm 25 on friday and verse 14 stuck out like a sore thumb.

"The secret of the LORD is with those who fear Him, and he will show them His covenant."

having been reading and thinking quite a bit recently on David and Solomon, i became convinced that the fear of God is of utmost importance, no matter what spiritual gifts or wisdom one may have. and i was determined that baby poh learns this from young, and that we as his/her parents, will demonstrate that in our lives. it won't be easy! even bible bigshots had their pitfalls. but such a legacy will go beyond anything that we can offer our children in their lives.

as i began to pray for baby poh on saturday night while lying in bed, i suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion. it almost seemed like i had a delayed emotional reaction to the whole pregnancy cuz i cried like mad as i prayed, thanking God for creating baby poh, the way He protected the child while i danced like nobody's business in july-august, totally unaware of the little one inside me. it was a good cry, almost comforting actually.

i went on a shopping trip yesterday with joey, and headed to my sunset home for dinner with family. i thought i had shopped quite a bit, but when my mum started pulling out clothes from her wardrobe for me to try, i was quite astounded. in the end i lugged back another bag of clothes from my mum's stash, stuff that she rarely wears these days. i have absolutely no more space in my wardrobe for any more clothes, unless i try to reorganize the way things are arranged. but i'm really pleased with one particular top mum passed to me. it's a top that she wore when she was pregnant with me! :D can you imagine? it's 25 years old! i don't know if i can make it last till my own daughter gets pregnant in future but i just thought it's kinda cool to wear what my mum wore when she had me (: my brother thought it was really weird though. i told him it's probably a girl thing. i shall take a picture of it when i get around to wearing it.

morning sickness?

this post was going to be titled and detailed entirely differently, until this morning. having woken up at 630am after less than 5hours of dream filled and interrupted sleep, i was feeling rather confident about making it to office early to have my second breakfast before my meeting.

as hormones (or whatever the cause was) would have it, i began feeling really tired at tiong bahru (going by the mrt stations) and by outram, badly needed a seat on the really packed train. standing right beside the door, i was shoved into an even tighter space when this plump guy entered and chose to stand 5cm away from my face, with his weird smelling cologne right in my nostrils. the even more packed train didn't help. starting to feel faint and nauseous, i quickly scrambled out of the train to a seat on the platform. suddenly my stomach lurched, and though i frantically reached for a plastic bag, i threw up too soon, right on the tanjong pagar mrt platform.

man, it stank :S

it was at this point in time, even as i was embarrassed at my totally unglam moment, i wondered how many of the well-suited cdb people would stop to help me. it took almost a full minute as the crowds walked past me before a lady patted my back, and another lady offered me a huge pack of tissue. suffice to say, i was super grateful, and even more so for the mrt staff who wheel-chaired me to the staff quarters so i could rest. i just feel so bad for the staff who had to clean up my mess :( oh, and the staff even escorted me to the train later and got a guy to give up his seat for me :)

i eventually made it to work, just in time for my meeting. *sigh* i don't know if it was morning sickness or the bad smelling cologne or a mixture of everything.

in any case, what i was going to blog about was that i'm extremely pleased with 3 new tops that i got last night on an impromptu date with the hubby. it's the first time i'm buying M and L sized tops for myself, having to bear in mind that i need to give space for growing baby poh to fit in. more shopping is to come, with many of my normal clothes becoming a tad too tight already.

i'm looking forward to thursday, when we'll finally see the gynae, and find out how baby poh is (:

how's married life?

probably the most popular question to any newly wed, i honestly don't know how to answer this sometimes. i guess it really depends on my mood sometimes. most times, 'interesting' is all i can muster in a 15-second chat at the office pantry.

interesting it definitely has been. with learning to hang my clothes hdb style instead of the metal clothes rack i'm accustomed to, my arm and neck muscles feel now feel a bit overused. staying next to a few schools also means i either get woken by the sound of buses driving past furiously or the discipline master's voice nagging at his students through the PA system.

other routines and habits have had to change. 'going to the toilet' is broken into 3 stations due to the toilet configuration of the house. i boil water for my bathing purposes while sleepily munching cereal over the day's newspapers. i miss the variety of breakfast options grandma used to provide but relish the opportunities i get (sometimes) to recreate what she's been serving me all these years.

sleeping habits are sooo different, which we are still trying to figure out. suffice to say, one's tossing, hand and leg movements can be dangerous at times. my different adjustments have been met by amusement (at times) by the hubby, but mostly empathetic and appreciative gestures as i learn. i do wish however, that the mosquitoes would stop treating me like a stranger;surely all the blood they've sucked is enough to acquaint us by now.

i suppose what i appreciate the most is not having to say 'bye-bye' at night, since we now live together. i'm definitely learning to be more considerate to others, to love more and be mindful of the small and almost insignificant details. and just yesterday, i cooked porridge for the first time (among other things) while caring for the hubby who came down with food poisoning.

so that's how it's been like for me at least, in the first month of marriage. reading 'sacred marriage' is a humbling tool, to learn how 'one-ness' is demonstrated in the choices we make towards our spouse. and many more lessons to come, for many more years ahead (:

pre wedding jitters

never thought i'd feel this anxious, or fearful. but i do.

fear of the unknown, and the known. anxious of how life will be as i enter the phase called change. funny how i still struggle with change this much, when change is pretty much a constant in life.

these few days have shown me and hubby2be so much of my ugliness, it shocks me to know that he still wants to marry me. scary isn't it, to have such conversations and thoughts less than 2weeks to the wedding? but this really just shows me how unworthy I am. it shows me how desperately i am in need of God.

so as i count the days down (11, 12?) to the big day, i'm needing to remember to REST, with YOU. needing to take in my last days of being a single, an independent, that the days of me being an emotional selfish b**** have to die one by one if i want to truly love mr poh. [sorry if you're offended by my use of language. but i've realised that there're days i'm carnal enough to deserve that name :( ]

i'm not the only one having jitters. think grandma has her own too. i do hope the crying'll stop, so i won't be a puffer fish bride. i do hope even more, that my heart'll be yielded so He can mould me.

girlfriends who are reading this, thank you SO MUCH, for having journeyed with me at different points in my life, that have shaped me to this day. and i trust you will continue to do so. cuz that's what He placed you in my life for.

now there're vows to memorize, speech to prepare for, and thank you cards to make (:

by the way, only today it hit me, 'WHAT was i thinking to go for a 3hour dance class 2days before the wedding???' *sigh* me and my brain. craziness.

thankful

Dear Daddy,

thank U that my seemingly frivolous hope (& prayer) that someone would treat me to a mani-pedi for wedding day actually came true! so very thankful for that.

i'm looking forward to stagemax finally being here. hope i can give my best despite the blinding LED lights.

i wonder if the age of facebook and twitter signals the demise of blogging. :(

help hubby2be and i to settle all that we need to in the next 3weeks!

thank U that U love me, and are patient with me even when i'm not.

happy!

(: almost wanna jump around the room with joy after hearing from hubby2be how God provided for his S.F.'s trip in less than 2days!!

explored chinatown a bit and am very pleased with my new green shoulder bag and matching floral top.

tomorrow i can finally see the easter production that hubby2be has been working hard at. yes, he's acting in it! after i sabo-ed him for an audition :P his many late nights and long afternoons at rehearsals are finally going to be staged...

the week to come is yet another crazy week with dance pratices and a lot of other work. i'm looking forward to working on the wedding invites. heh. 

not so looking forward to hubby2be's departure on saturday, but i'm excited for him and the team. blessed easter everyone!

my crazy week ahead

today marks the beginning of a very busy week, (make that busy month). with the next 3 days filled with dance practices and meetings, i'm hoping i'll be sane enough and without dark circles around my eyes for friday's photo shoot. 

at the same time, hubby2be is so busy, i'm waiting to see how God will provide for our various needs (: speaking of which, very thankful for yesterday. after lunch with the worship team, our friend turned to hubby2be and offered us the use of his 2nd car (which is usually used by our friend's bro, who happened to be out of town). which was really cool, cuz it allowed us to go to ikea to check out furniture in the huge downpour, view a couple of flats and go around a few estates to suss out the 'feel' in our bid towards house hunting. 

we're gonna look for a 3-room flat now, instead of a 4, so that we can settle in our preferred estate. pray for us! (: hopeful, and feeling very blessed...

a saturday at home

well, almost. i had to go out to buy ingredients for the cheesecake i was gonna make.

it was quite an eventful couple of hours out though. went to try on cheongsam at this shop in holland v. which left me wondering how much trouble i should go to in finding a suitable piece for tea ceremony. the colors and designs were too mature for me to carry off. anyone got lobang? (:

the rain prevented us from leaving phoon huat later though. was really grateful hubby2be braved the showers with my tiny umbrella to retrieve the van from holland v. carpark. his jeans were soaked through as a result. :P if there's one thing he dislikes, it's having his jeans/pants stick to his legs from the rain. so hubby2be if you're reading this, thank u again, for the sacrifice!

i was really excited to use the mixer d. so very kindly gave me. it definitely made making the cheese mixture much easier; i mixed it manually on my first attempt at the cake and boy, my arms had quite a workout! i tried an oreo version too, so hopefully it'll turn out good. am now waiting for the mixture to set. 

didn't quite know how to respond to grandma throughout the day when she increasingly became worried about my living arrangements after marriage, should we not get a flat before the big day. while i knew she was concerned, her unwarranted worries made me increasingly irritated :( *sigh* ok, maybe not all were unwarranted. but still...more than i could tahan...

anyhow, shall try to not let it get to me... thankful for the day spent at home. looking forward to tomorrow. 

this week

the week's gone by really fast. even though i know today's friday, it seems fast that tomrrow's saturday. if that makes any sense at all.

but this week has been so very precious to me.

sunday was the 24th anniversary of my hatchday (hmm...i didn't exactly hatch from an egg...) and it was so enjoyable! i wanna post photos of the day, so i'll leave that to another post, where i can ramble much longer about it (:

what's made my week so precious, is really divine, in the way it happened. now most of you reading this will probably already know things between me and my bro haven't been good all these years. not that we're warring or anything (no, not even cold war), but we just don't talk. why? we just don't. 

so on wednesday, i cabbed home from ikea cuz i bought like, a ton of stuff and hubby2be was at worship prac. and while on the way home, i spied bro walking in from the main road, and so got him to hop on. 

"how come you're taking a cab? haiks leh?" [he actually remembered his name!! hee]

my answer...and "how's school?"

"it's okay lah, mid terms coming..."

and we talked on the way home, and carried on the conversation till after we got home, mainly about him and his ex-girlfriend [the poor boy broke up a while ago :( ]

and that, was the longest (15-20min?) and most heart-to-heart talk we've had in years. it felt so surreal as i listened to him. but it made my eyes open. to see how he has physically grown so much (i don't actually see him that much, heh), to hear the tenderness in his voice masked by boyish pride as he shared his heart struggle, to still see that sentimental and emotional parts of him, to recognise how he's really so intelligent beyond words, with a good head on his shoulders, and to see that hey, this, this young man here has grown so much. and darn, i've missed out so much! (i sound like i'm his mother lor...faints)

and oh, what i wouldn't give to talk more to him if not for that stomachache that drove me to seek the relief of the bathroom. 

pray for us please; i hope to meet him for a meal soon and hopefully, this will be the start of rebuilding a lost relationship after so many years.

a couple of hours ago, i left the University Cultural Centre with k. after watching 'The Next Wave', by Dance Ensemble, NUS. it was thankfully not as abstract as Dance Synergy's performance, which by the way, left both of us at a loss in repeatedly having to decipher the incredibly cryptic and dark choreography laid before us.

but tonight, ah tonight...it left me inspired, in awe and satisfied. inspired by the dancers, in awe of the effort and creativity that is birthed through the choreographer. and satisfied that it was time well spent.

i was really awed tonight, by personal insight i gained about what must go on for a choreographer. having to incorporate various factors from exploration of a theme, weaving the message in the choreo, the people involved, formations, the music, tempo, to costumes (and how that works for or against the choreographic process) and lighting, it's a lot of work. and out of the 7 pieces i saw tonight, i liked almost all of them.

i've new found respect for choreographers. i think it's so easy to critique a piece of art (as i've so often been guilty of), but i've come to realise that addressing all these aspects and bringing them to levels of near perfection is an immense job. and as a sidenote, i think it takes a certain amount of being perfectionistic and needing high control levels to produce a discernibly good dance piece.

all that said, i think i'm still easily blown away by a ballet piece more than a contemporay or modern one, cuz of the beauty of ballet that's too in your face to dismiss. contemporay/abstract can at times be too abstract and/bizarre for me to absorb anything at all. but i'm learning to appreciate and embrace it more. 

dance dance dance, in the freedom we know! yay! :P

morning world! it's time to zzzz...and it's victor and candy's wedding today! (: