a saturday at home

well, almost. i had to go out to buy ingredients for the cheesecake i was gonna make.

it was quite an eventful couple of hours out though. went to try on cheongsam at this shop in holland v. which left me wondering how much trouble i should go to in finding a suitable piece for tea ceremony. the colors and designs were too mature for me to carry off. anyone got lobang? (:

the rain prevented us from leaving phoon huat later though. was really grateful hubby2be braved the showers with my tiny umbrella to retrieve the van from holland v. carpark. his jeans were soaked through as a result. :P if there's one thing he dislikes, it's having his jeans/pants stick to his legs from the rain. so hubby2be if you're reading this, thank u again, for the sacrifice!

i was really excited to use the mixer d. so very kindly gave me. it definitely made making the cheese mixture much easier; i mixed it manually on my first attempt at the cake and boy, my arms had quite a workout! i tried an oreo version too, so hopefully it'll turn out good. am now waiting for the mixture to set. 

didn't quite know how to respond to grandma throughout the day when she increasingly became worried about my living arrangements after marriage, should we not get a flat before the big day. while i knew she was concerned, her unwarranted worries made me increasingly irritated :( *sigh* ok, maybe not all were unwarranted. but still...more than i could tahan...

anyhow, shall try to not let it get to me... thankful for the day spent at home. looking forward to tomorrow. 

desirables

thelittlehappyshop-it really has so many pretty pretty things...i only wish their prices are more affordable...

oh i absolutely love this bag!!

future

yesterday a colleague suddenly commented during a train ride, 'Wow.....you're getting married in 5 months'

ya...and...it feels weird. As in...there's no 1 word to collectively describe it...especially not when

• we haven't gotten a house yet and will only start hunting end of the month
• ministry is slowly but surely picking up and is starting to fill the calendar
• money is disgustingly something one cannot shy away from in a getting married
• i gush over friends' uber cute and adorable babies but don't want my own till 2years later cuz i'm selfish and want hubby2be for a while to myself (and the thought of becoming wider in the hips frighten me)
• the thought of walking down the aisle feels very very surreal
• it seemed not that long ago (yet not that recent either) that we were still figuring out if we liked each other

i almost wish i could stretch out the 5months to 8 months...just so i can really savor things without life rushing by me. 

5 more months of single-hood! *gasp* 'single' according to the law la...

XW: eh, let's plan to have babies around the same time. i'll have a girl, you have a boy (or whichever) then they can grow up together and marry each other next time ok? hee hee...bethrothing our kids before our own marriage! :P blame it on the hour of the night k? ;)

P.S. on a separate note, thank you all dear friends, for caring for me in different ways during this period while i grieved over grandpa. i'm better now... *smile*

facing the pain within

this morning i woke up feeling the worst i've felt since i got news about grandpa's passing. felt like i needed to bawl like mad, but i had to get ready to leave the house for planning retreat. felt so tight in my heart, like a dam was about to burst, if only a crack in its walls would appear. wasn't sure how i'd survive the entire day either, even though i only had to be there for the morning. 

so when P. said he felt it wasn't right that i'm there sitting for the meeting when i'm obviously hurting, i couldn't hold my tears back any longer. having had to blink back hot tears throughout my journey to the retreat had been hard enough, but i wasn't sure i could meet anyone's expectations to engage well in the meeting that lay ahead. so thankful i was graciously given the day off, and unloaded the first avalanche of tears as they prayed for me before i trooped off to spend time on my own. 

i didn't think i would be in a position of delayed grieving, but i suppose the mirade of activities and people during the wake and funeral stuff played its part in me stuffing away how i really felt: apply leave, take care of grandma, serve guests drinks...

i think i wasn't prepared for the pain grandpa's death would bring either. the late morning spent at east coast park journalling memories of him that came flooding in, dealing with the shock of pain and the wave of tears that accompanied it...it's quite a process i guess. the good, the bad, the wishes, the regrets. 

i miss him, even though he missed out on half of my life due to dementia. the first half of it more than makes up for it i guess, cuz even though he never said 'i love you' (being a man of few words), it is without a doubt that i was deeply loved, so deeply loved by my grandpa.

dealing with death

i'm sorry, but this is gonna be yet another post related to death. guess grandpa's passing has evoked a multitude of thoughts relating to the issue. even as i prepare to write this, i'm trying to decide if i feel guilty about not going to collect grandpa's ashes with the rest of the family later, just cuz i need the time alone. 

it was very surreal at the crematorium yesterday. just a couple of weeks back when the staff family was there for Uncle Sank's funeral, i had wondered how it'd be like when the time came to send my grandpa off. i wasn't aware how soon that would be, or that we would be using the same hall for the pre funeral service. 

to watch extended family members say their goodbyes was odd. i wonder at myself, as it seems like i'm rationalizing so much of it, or maybe even, to try to ensure i'm theologically correct in my grieving process. it could be the previous experiences during my late maternal grandparents' wakes that caused this. but it's interesting i must say, where the fine line is drawn between religious practice and chinese cultural (possibly religiously influenced) practices and beliefs. or it could just be how we cope differently with death. 

saying 'bye bye' to grandpa feels weird cuz he can't hear me, and his body's a shell; his soul is already with God. dad telling us to not tearfully linger so long before grandpa's coffin is covered, to "let him rest in peace" felt odd too, cuz honestly, don't think grandpa isn't at peace. he's at the most wonderful place there is! so much of it was our way of coping...even his niche that will be at the columbarium in FMC's basement...it'll be nice to visit it with such ease, but what does one do there? or think? 

maybe i'll be spared these questions if we had just followed biblical times of burying the dead in some cave and allowing the natural decomposition process to take place. now, do i want to go collect ashes or not? hmmm...maybe i don't want to feel all moody and teary anymore...