character built through 'hardships'

having just come out of our first major (baby) illness, it can barely be justified as a hardship if you compare the calamities and needs many people face all across the world. but the past week had definitely been one of the most challenging by far.

one morning asher suddenly threw up at the end of his milk feed. having experienced such pukings before due to excess phlegm in his system, we decided to 'wait and see how'. however, to my horror, asher couldn't stomach his solid food feed 2hours later either. and off to KKH we went.

After returning home that evening from the diagnosis and painfully beginning the home treatment for asher, haiks and i kena food poisoning that night. the home treatment was painful cuz we had to administer small and diluted milk feeds for asher since he had ingested a virus that was making its course through his tummy. this resulted in having to endure his persistent cries for more milk.

over the next few days, it was a series of cleaning puke and diarrhea as he alternated between the two, enduring his hungry cries, lethargy from lack of food and extreme clingy-ness towards me, while trying to recover from my own bout of bad tummy. it was difficult. it was stretching my physical, heart, mental and spiritual capacity. it broke my heart too, when i saw how much weight asher lost in just 2 days. i wept as i bathed him, aching within that he had to endure such a painful thing at such a young age.

i learnt much in that week, and it opened my eyes to understand just that bit more, of how terrible it must have been for the Father to put His Son through death on the cross.

asher is at the tail end of recuperating and i wonder if the illness had put a dent on his personality as he remains very clingy at times, making me rather frustrated at times. though i know he's going through some separation anxiety, it does make me irritated that i even feel these negative feelings! i suppose its hard for me to accept that a usually sociable boy can behave in such a manner.

still, i know all of these are working within me, fruit that will last.

trials that produce patience

I really want to heave a huge sigh, just cos I feel like I need to 'ren ming', otherwise loosely translated as "accept my fate".

It has FINALLY come to the day (what a long awaited day!!) that the almost 7month old kid is sleeping through the night. I still wake up at 2+ or 4+ for no reason, or at 5 by my MIL's noisy actions in the kitchen and living room till she leaves the house at 6am for work. But its a LOT better than being consistently woken up every hour or every couple of hours by a baby who wakes up for no conceivable reason.

Alas, after one challenge comes another. After I thought I finally found the reason why the baby would scream and cry nonstop while eating his rice cereal (cos I'm feeding too slowly), it seems that he has lost a bit of interest in the 2 flavors of cereal that I have been feeding him. This evening, feeding him was yet another exhausting affair while I fought the hunger and slight giddiness after spending time with him swimming.

Even my grandmother who has cared for 4babies (her own 2, me and my bro) and helped raise several other kids, couldn't help commenting several times that Asher is a very demanding and challenging baby to care for.

So other than being slightly worried how he will take to the new foods I will prepare for him, I'm concerned that he won't take in much and start waking up at night for feeds (as he has done every other night lately). At the same time, he seems to be fussing more when his usual babysitters (my mum and MIL) care for him, which leaves me worried as to how he'll be if I still proceed with the plan of leaving him in mum's care for the 4Dec wedding.

All that said, I know that these challenges only cause me to lean on Him more and more, to learn patience every few hours in a day, 7 days a week. I keep hoping for the silver lining to come, but I think that after one challenge, another will pop its head to say 'Hi'. Like the next set of teeth that I anticipate to come at 8 months, or the challenges of transition when we move to our home. Or staying at a different place for staff summit. With so many changes that happen so very often, this girl who very much thrives in stability is definitely thankful that our God is unchanging!!

grace that is sufficient

the past week had been an extremely difficult one. even though the haze had thankfully dissipated (mostly), the baby and I were still battling the effects of it on our health. I probably felt it more, considering how the phlegm stubbornly stayed in my lungs and coughing left me breathless and tired. What made it worse was that Asher began to teeth and slept horribly in the nights, leaving me utterly exhausted and desperately needing to recover and just, REST.

and so i broke down yesterday. after the MIL brought Asher out, I let loose the dam that was bursting at the seams. I let it out, howling (literally) my exhaustion and helplessness out. I managed to get an hour's nap after that and rationalized that I couldn't stress myself any further wondering if it was the teething or insufficient food that had kept the baby up before. I'll hafta take it one night at a time.

I reminded myself multiple times that His Grace is sufficient for me, and I don't think it's a coincidence that the hubby prayed the exact same words over us last night.

There's a slew of events facing the physically exhausted hubby this week, I sprained my back this morning and am a little stressed over the MIL's ideas of feeding the baby solids (which conflict somewhat with mine). While I try not to worry about how I will settle both my and the baby's meals in the near future, I again turn to His Promise, that His Grace IS sufficient.

It often feels like the mundane take up so much of my time and energy, yet in this I have found joy and precious moments that linger and bring tears to my eyes. Like how one morning in my sleepy state, I peeped through my eyes to see the baby, refusing to nap, grinned at me in delight and buried his face into my arm as his form of adoration. Moments, precious ones.

THE Bag

I'm so happy with my new bag that I've decided to blog about it (:

I must first explain that while I'm not short on the number of bags that I own (as many girls do), I'm talking about THE ONE that you'll choose over the rest, the most carried and used cuz it suits the occasion, outfit or purpose. And I had that, a white shoulder bag from Hong Kong H&M at only S$20-25 bought in 2008. Which was flaking horrendously all over my clothes and body as it shed its skin from being overused :( I was wearing it out till its fullest but needed to find a replacement as I can't have the bag flaking all over Asher in future. A few relatively cheap purchases failed to live up to my expectations and needs of THE BAG.

SO...after foolishly toying with the idea of splurging on a 2nd hand Fossil Bag from e-bay (ya, what was I thinking right? gonna have a kid and still can afford that kind of splurge. pfft) and almost buying a handmade bag from Thailand through etsy, I chanced upon a bag shop at Plaza Sing when I met j. for prata dinner. And I almost didn't buy it! Cuz the zipper's direction was created for right-handed bag people. I'm a right hander but I carry my bags on the left shoulder. Thank goodness j. convinced me that it was a silly reason not to get it and I must say, I'm glad I listened to her (: So here it is!!

Ok, the color is prettier in reality cuz I think the office fluorescent light just kills photos. It's definitely bigger than what I had initially wanted but hey, it means I can probably throw in Asher's things too when I dare to venture out of the house with him in future.

money matters

Last night I learnt that a friend spent $1000 on a microphone, which startled me a bit even though I know how these 'toys' are worth their value in terms of quality and the difference they bring to capturing sound. Still, it is quite beyond my imagination to spend almost 80% of my salary on a single item. And quite a small one too.

To which the hubby said that it's not impossible, cuz if it's well worth and it's something that he is passionate about, he's willing to spend too. His 'toys' would normally be sound equipment and computers and drum stuff. I however, realized in the course of our conversation, that I have great difficulty spending a large sum of money on myself. In spending on other people, I'm more willing to part with my money. (by the way, we're talking about stuff that we want. the discussion doesn't hold as much water for stuff that we need.)

It may be due to the fact that most of the pricier items I've come to own had been willingly paid by my parents as birthday/Christmas gifts (and hence saving them the hassle of thinking what to get me). Or it could be that I struggle with accepting that I deserve spending that much amount of money on myself. After much considerable effort, I could only recall my pair of Birks to be my priciest expenditure on myself. Even so, I thought about it for almost 2 weeks, going to the store (brick-&-mortar and online) and when I finally purchased it, felt guilty for about a week and questioning if I should have splurged so much $ on myself!! The consolation is that it has lasted me for at least a couple of years and barely shows its age.

So I'm just wondering if I'm generally more prudent with how I want to spend money or if I actually have a problem in spending on myself cuz I don't think I deserve that kind of indulgence. Does the latter mean I have difficulty loving myself more? What do you think?

beautiful nature

the recent weather (long periods of scorching sun and sporadic rain) has allowed many of the trees and plants to produce flowers in intense blooms. and i smile everyday at these lovely sights.

sharing at a cell meeting that seeing such pretty works of His hand helps to perk me up led the hubby to say somewhat bewilderedly, "It does nothing for me!"

Oh but even the frailty of a drying rose brings much cheer to my soul. I'll enjoy the flowers while they last.

:)

domestic day

today's the first day of clearing leave and i spent quite a few hours just having all of baby Asher's clothes laundered. but the fun thing about it is seeing all the tiny outfits hanging from the bamboo poles (:

he already has way too many socks! but they're so cute though...

unfortunately, the color range for boy's clothes is rather limited.

i cooked myself some lunch, and realized that my tummy is making it difficult for me to wash dishes at the sink properly. if i were to stand with my back straight, my hands can't reach the tap sufficiently. bending over results in me aching in a really short while. standing sideways doesn't seem to be the best solution either.

anyhow, lunch was a rice dish that was cooked in butter with prawns, button mushrooms and basil topped with an egg and cheese. (:

tomorrow marks the 8th month of the pregnancy, and i'm supposed to put on even more weight. or rather, the baby boy is supposed to fatten up even more. here's how i look now, and we'll see how it compares by the end of the month.

i like...

to gently massage Asher's fist/foot when he pokes it upwards and i can see/feel a rounded shape in my abdomen

how pregnancy is such a lovely gift despite its inconveniences

watching the wobbles in my tummy whenever Asher moves about inside

the father-son bonding whenever the hubby leans to my tummy to talk to our son

family hugs-me and the hubby and our arms around my tummy (:

how interesting it'll be to see Asher take on different characteristics from each of his parents :P

He's Able

i decided to sing a new song to Asher this morning during my bath and the song 'He's Able' came to mind. and as i began to sing it, i was surprised how ministering the song was, despite it being a childhood song and mainly an 'action' song for kids.

He's able, He's able

I know He's able

I know my Lord is able

To carry me through

He heals the broken hearted

And sets the captive free

He makes the lame to walk again

And cause the blind to see

Oh yea!

the simple words of 'He's able' have such depth to it, and i think often times in my journey as an adult, i've had difficulty fully believing it for myself. even as a chance meeting with a girlfriend this morning reminded me that i'm not sure i'm all that prepared emotionally for Asher's arrival, this song acts as a reminder that He is able, more than able to carry me through.

the beginning of december

this is a long overdue post, mainly cuz i've been too busy at work. this month is gonna be crazy preparing for Meta since we're doing a workshop, a dance skit and dancing for a worship set. thankfully i'm not involved in the last one, also cuz i don't think my current roundness would be very graceful :P

i'm feeling a little grouchy and more than a tad disappointed now. just found out that our ballot number for the j.west flats way exceeds the number of available flats. i suppose having baby poh on the way makes it more urgent...don't quite know how to think even though i'd prayed for grace to accept the results He gives us. this might mean having to raise baby poh for the first few months in the already cramped in-law's place :S i need to talk to God...

anyway, something that i wanted to post were pictures of how i looked like in November, with the baby bump showing (:

3rd Nov at 4months

19Nov at 18.3weeks

today at 19 weeks.

the dress i'm wearing is from cotton on, but it really looks like a maternity dress on me. you can't really see the baby bump i suppose, even with my hands pressed down against the dress so as to make it more obvious. heh.

a common question i receive is if people have been offering me their seats. so far, only 1 lady has done so voluntarily. most times the seat was emptied when the passenger alighted at his/her stop. in any case, i hardly look my age, much less married. i've resigned to receiving dirty looks from strangers and being mistaken to be a teenage pregnancy case. heh.

december will see the hubby being really busy!! i will be too, with work and making his prezzie. heh. ok, baby's kicking and it's lunch time. please pray we'll have a solution for our housing needs!

growing by the day

in preparation for a wedding this afternoon, i took out the dress i wanted to wear so that i could iron it. but as i had been feeling uterus grow in the last few days, i thought i'd better just try it on. and to my horror, it was too tight!!!

i quickly tried on a few other outfits and none of them fit comfortably. it was either the tummy or the chest area that was too tight. :( :( :( if it could fit, it would compromise on modesty. finally i tried on a dress i'd been saving for another wedding next week. thank God it fit!!

while i feel a little traumatized that i have to go shopping for my ever growing body (especially since there're a few more weddings to attend before i deliver), i'm glad that baby poh is growing. i'm actually looking a bit more pregnant now, though i don't think it'll still score me any seats in the train, voluntarily at least ;)

dancing+baby

last night i enjoyed watching a dance performance with the bride-to-be and came away feeling a little amused at myself.

there were mainly classical acts, with two contemporary ones which i must say, were actually my favorite. i don't know if it's cuz the usual excerpts of classic pieces are performed so often that i've become a little bored with the choreography (since the choreo can't divert too much cuz well, they're classics) OR i'm just dying to see the full story being performed.

OR it could be that i'm just more naturally intrigued by the challenges choreographers take upon themselves to pair non-classical songs with renewed creativity, producing refreshing pieces over and over again. while i love the fine lines and grace that ballet embraces, the way that contemporary and modern styles dare to break new ground and challenge the use of space, time and the human body is always exciting for me. yet there really is no better training (in terms of foundation) than what ballet is able to offer for a dancer.

that said, there were 'interesting' moments last night too.

a spectator who used flash photography during the performance who later had the camera confiscated (like, hello!!?? where's your manners and sense of respect for fellow audience and the dancers??)

a not so little girl seated in front of us putting her foot onto the railing before her, thereby blocking our view and confounding me when her mum didn't do anything about it.

highly enthusiastic members of the audience who kept applauding at totally inappropriate moments, drowning out the music that the dancers needed to hear and spoiling a few moments of suspense inherent in the piece.

i was also a little amused at how much the bride-to-be fussed over me so much :P the hubby just smiled when i told him about it. hee.

****

i feel a little perplexed at this stage of pregnancy: i'm not supposed to feel anything in the womb yet but last night every time i turned in my sleep, i could feel the shift in weight at the tummy. makes me wonder if i made baby poh giddy :P

my tummy's hurting again too. it happened the first time on sunday morning, when short sharp pulls in the right side of the tummy made it real uncomfortable. a friend said it could be the baby pulling at the umbilical cord or the womb's expanding, as it happened to her in her first pregnancy. this morning, the pain's in the left side. and still is happening as i type this.

with the number of things that can go wrong in a pregnancy, how did women in the past survive with the little knowledge they had? gosh.

time passing me by

it's been a week since our first gynae visit, but it feels way more than that. it's quite scary too, that i'm starting my 4th month into the pregnancy.

if i allow myself to, i might start freaking out at the expenses for the numerous baby stuff (essentials) that are needed, about breastfeeding correctly, about labor, about our hopefully soon to receive home, about putting on weight and not fat, about eating well for baby poh and me...about a million things. in a blink of an eye, i'm gonna be a mum, whether or not i feel ready.

*sigh* i MUST not allow faith to be shaken, especially if i only choose to look at myself or to cower when fear looms around. worry isn't of God, and without faith it is impossible to please God. when i falter, help me to overcome my unbelief Lord!

wanting to leave a legacy

as part of my IBS homework to journal about the psalms, i was doing an entry on psalm 25 on friday and verse 14 stuck out like a sore thumb.

"The secret of the LORD is with those who fear Him, and he will show them His covenant."

having been reading and thinking quite a bit recently on David and Solomon, i became convinced that the fear of God is of utmost importance, no matter what spiritual gifts or wisdom one may have. and i was determined that baby poh learns this from young, and that we as his/her parents, will demonstrate that in our lives. it won't be easy! even bible bigshots had their pitfalls. but such a legacy will go beyond anything that we can offer our children in their lives.

as i began to pray for baby poh on saturday night while lying in bed, i suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion. it almost seemed like i had a delayed emotional reaction to the whole pregnancy cuz i cried like mad as i prayed, thanking God for creating baby poh, the way He protected the child while i danced like nobody's business in july-august, totally unaware of the little one inside me. it was a good cry, almost comforting actually.

i went on a shopping trip yesterday with joey, and headed to my sunset home for dinner with family. i thought i had shopped quite a bit, but when my mum started pulling out clothes from her wardrobe for me to try, i was quite astounded. in the end i lugged back another bag of clothes from my mum's stash, stuff that she rarely wears these days. i have absolutely no more space in my wardrobe for any more clothes, unless i try to reorganize the way things are arranged. but i'm really pleased with one particular top mum passed to me. it's a top that she wore when she was pregnant with me! :D can you imagine? it's 25 years old! i don't know if i can make it last till my own daughter gets pregnant in future but i just thought it's kinda cool to wear what my mum wore when she had me (: my brother thought it was really weird though. i told him it's probably a girl thing. i shall take a picture of it when i get around to wearing it.

a pleasant wednesday morning

the day started out with a relaxed journey to work as i had a late morning meeting outside the office. after purchasing the envelopes needed for newsletter stuffing, i settled into a nice spot at the refurbished coffeebean at paya lebar singpost.

i was quite happy to see that they had a small but thoughtful selection of caffeine-free teas. after confirming the pregnancy, i'm abstaining from caffeine as much as i can, which isn't easy since i love the aroma and calming effect various teas have on me. having already had my quota this month (so set by the hubby), i'm very mindful of what's available on the drinks menu every time i eat out, which is often. i chose a berry tea and quite liked how its red essence swooshed around in the fat tea cup. having been warned by the barrista that it has a sour tinge to it, i dunked four teaspoons of sugar syrup into it. i suppose the syrup was a tad diluted as it needed a few more spoons of syrup to make it drinkable.

watching the rain gently pelting outside, i began on my IBS assignment of memorizing 50 verses from the psalms. it is definitely no easy task, especially when the perfectionist in me wants to get every word right. i'm given leeway to make up to a few mistakes each verse, but...nah... :P

my lunch appointment arrived at 1130 and as i tucked into my very yummy 'brek-o-day', i was very glad for the delightful conversation that followed. though it wasn't a lengthy lunch, i learnt a lot about the dance scene and am thankful that God has placed this lady in the commercial dance circle. i only wish there was more of my lunch since it was so very yummy.

now that i'm back in the office, it's nice that it's so quiet for once, since most colleagues from the other two departments aren't in. i shall get moving on the envelopes. they look too blank for their own good.