unspoken to you

Hey you, there you go scampering around the house again, with that cheeky smile plastered across your face. You've grown so much you know, and in a couple more months, I'd have to force myself to drop the word "baby" in calling you. Cuz my dear baby Asher, you'll be turning 1 year old soon.

The past 10 months seem to have flown by, yet there were times when I wish time wouldn't crawl so slowly. It hasn't been easy, but I thank God for you, yes, even when you drive me up the wall and I yell at you. Already I wish I had shown restraint in times that I had to discipline you. I wish I could spend more time grabbing you and giving you bear hugs and rain kisses on your chubby cheeks. I love how you chuckle when I zoom in on your tummy, and how you love having me or daddy chase after you on all fours. *smile*

even when you were in the womb I knew you'd be different; just look at the way you moved all around in that tiny space! and true enough, you're different in many ways. Almost every time I'm out with you would I receive a comment on how cute you are or how alert you are. I'm glad that you understand much of what we say to you, and often times, I wonder what goes through your mind and what your babbling actually means. You're ravenous in appetite, and I must say, when it comes to paper too. It's good to know we can depend on you should we ever need to shred some documents ;)

I harbor so many hopes and dreams for you, not so much of what you will accomplish or do as it'd be most excellent that you walk according to His will and obey Him. No, I harbor hopes that you'd be happy to be a little helper when your siblings come along, eager to be the big brother and protector. I imagine scenes of us holding heart to heart conversations even when you journey through adolescence and enter young adulthood. I hope you will know how much you mean to me and your daddy, and how very precious you are to us, and to God. It wouldn't be what you do in life that would account for something, but who you are and the lives you'll impact that will mean more than anything in the world.

I love you dear Asher. You're my darling. *hugs*

character built through 'hardships'

having just come out of our first major (baby) illness, it can barely be justified as a hardship if you compare the calamities and needs many people face all across the world. but the past week had definitely been one of the most challenging by far.

one morning asher suddenly threw up at the end of his milk feed. having experienced such pukings before due to excess phlegm in his system, we decided to 'wait and see how'. however, to my horror, asher couldn't stomach his solid food feed 2hours later either. and off to KKH we went.

After returning home that evening from the diagnosis and painfully beginning the home treatment for asher, haiks and i kena food poisoning that night. the home treatment was painful cuz we had to administer small and diluted milk feeds for asher since he had ingested a virus that was making its course through his tummy. this resulted in having to endure his persistent cries for more milk.

over the next few days, it was a series of cleaning puke and diarrhea as he alternated between the two, enduring his hungry cries, lethargy from lack of food and extreme clingy-ness towards me, while trying to recover from my own bout of bad tummy. it was difficult. it was stretching my physical, heart, mental and spiritual capacity. it broke my heart too, when i saw how much weight asher lost in just 2 days. i wept as i bathed him, aching within that he had to endure such a painful thing at such a young age.

i learnt much in that week, and it opened my eyes to understand just that bit more, of how terrible it must have been for the Father to put His Son through death on the cross.

asher is at the tail end of recuperating and i wonder if the illness had put a dent on his personality as he remains very clingy at times, making me rather frustrated at times. though i know he's going through some separation anxiety, it does make me irritated that i even feel these negative feelings! i suppose its hard for me to accept that a usually sociable boy can behave in such a manner.

still, i know all of these are working within me, fruit that will last.

3 months of motherhood

It's been a long while. And so much has happened.

I had said in my last entry that I would be induced. Well, turns out that I started having contractions at around 9+am on 25th April and after over 20 hours of labor, Asher was finally born on 26th April :) and yes, I had epidural. Didn't want to but the other painkillers didn't work and I was screaming away in pain while only being less than 5cm dilated.

So how's it been like these past 3 months? There's a whole range of emotions, and heart processes to be dealt with. I had to deal with Asher having difficulty latching when I breastfed him, then decided to express the milk instead which exhausted me and finally decided to stop the breastmilk. That was a difficult decision and Haiks persuaded me that in stopping the breastmilk did not mean that I was not giving Asher the best. You know how it is, with breastmilk being the rage and how it IS the best for babies, FOC and having antibodies, I was in a huge dilemma in wanting to stop. But if I didn't stop, I was incapable of doing anything just cuz how expressing took up more time, energy and robbed me of more much needed sleep.

What made it worse was having to cope with mastitis (breast infection), engorgement and blocked ducts during that process. The pain and discomfort as I endured all that before starting to wean was nothing compared to the engorgement that came later. I was so engorged that I went through 7 shirts in 10hours as I was leaking breastmilk constantly, soaking each shirt and the towel I placed in bed to absorb the milk. Had to go to KK to get a stronger medication to stop the lactation and a major painkiller to stop the pain. All this because I had A LOT of milk.

So ironic right? Too much of a good thing created so much trouble for me and I'm now fearful of breastfeeding again in future :( In fact, the abundant milk caused Asher to choke constantly cuz the flow was too strong for him to nurse properly :S

I AM thankful that Asher began to sleep through the night without having to feed before he turned 2months old. I'm trying to train him to not wake up at 4+ and 5+ before his feed at 7am, since he used to feed at those times.

Recently, we celebrated our 1st year anniversary as husband and wife and it was a bittersweet evening. It was good to have time alone and enjoy dinner together but we had to talk through issues that had been surfacing ever since Asher arrived. It's never easy hearing your husband say that you've become different, and not for the better! I knew that I had lost my temper too often, at Asher and at the hubby and I often blamed it on hormones and a lack of sleep. Which wasn't entirely wrong since the hormonal change after delivering and weaning was totally crazy!! We also realized that I was being stressed out by my MIL (mum-in-law). As much I deeply appreciate her help and wisdom in caring for Asher, our differing opinions and methods of caring for him often made me feel insecure, agitated and totally useless as a mother when I was trying my hardest. Yet I have also come to terms that severely lacking in my heart is the ability to love more and to live in peace and to hold my tongue. All of which I need to rely on God daily for. Talk about His mercies being new every morning! :)

Just 2days ago, I had to face another difficult 'situation'. There was the chance of dancing for an event come August and I was so tempted to do so. In fact, it almost seemed possible that I could dance in it but I made the very difficult decision not to. It was so difficult, forcing myself to deny something I love so much. It doesn't help that it's dance season now and there a dozen events that I want to watch or take part in. But I'm not just a wife now, I'm a mother too. It just felt irresponsible to place Asher with someone and go for dance practice, come home tired and possibly irritated with Asher (and maybe the hubby) for whatever reasons and just having a bad experience altogether.

I know it seems like I'm painting a bad picture of motherhood thus far but I'm just being honest about the journey. I love being a mum, I do. I like bathing Asher, hugging him, making him laugh and seeing how he's growing (and man, is he growing!!) But I also resent the demands of motherhood. I get incensed when he wakes up for (what I think is) no reason after patting him to sleep for 5-15minutes and he sleeps for 5 minutes or half an hour, being woken up by some noisy neighbor or a family member talks too loudly.

I want to dance again. I want to be able to cook my own meals and not have a baby being so dependent on me for his every need. I want to be able to go out without having to plan so far ahead about the time and all of the needs that Asher has. I want to be able to spend time with my husband without either of us feeling tired or being interrupted by a baby who needs to feed soon or wants to sleep. Yet, these are all responsibilities of a mother that can be an offering to the Father if I do it with a heart of worship and not grudgingly. And I never fail to tear when I am reminded of this fact. Just today, I'm reminded that because of what I'm giving to Asher, I'm blessed. And as a song goes, "out of Your Hand, we give to You"

It's less than a month away to the end of my maternity leave and I'll have to try juggling another (huge) thing on my plate. I firmly believe there isn't a more challenging job in the world than being a mother; my hats off to the mothers who have many kids and do it all on their own!! In the meantime, I'm looking forward to when Asher will roll over and continues his baby developments :)

turn of events

After imagining for weeks on end how I might enter labor, I'm now scheduled to go for induced labor on 26th, Asher's estimated due date.

Initially okay with it, I became paranoid and anxious after reading online about the risks involved and how I don't fall into the usual categories of needing to have an induced labor. I'm thankful that my gynae returned my call and explained that the placenta would spoil after 40weeks of pregnancy and it's best for the baby to come out. At the same time, being reassured by the words in Psalm 121 helped to ease my anxious heart. Pardon the pun, but the following words really helped!!

"The Lord watches over you...The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

This week has really been a teary one, as I battle the various emotions while waiting for Asher to arrive. It varies from anxiety to paranoia, anticipation to excitement and back to fear...all in less than an hour almost everyday!! And I think childbirth is one of the few things when one will get to experience both joy and pain at the same time. heh.

So, if Asher doesn't come out before Mon, and I don't have an excessively long labor, it will be 26th April. You'll hear from me (or the hubby). See you some time soon blog.

money matters

Last night I learnt that a friend spent $1000 on a microphone, which startled me a bit even though I know how these 'toys' are worth their value in terms of quality and the difference they bring to capturing sound. Still, it is quite beyond my imagination to spend almost 80% of my salary on a single item. And quite a small one too.

To which the hubby said that it's not impossible, cuz if it's well worth and it's something that he is passionate about, he's willing to spend too. His 'toys' would normally be sound equipment and computers and drum stuff. I however, realized in the course of our conversation, that I have great difficulty spending a large sum of money on myself. In spending on other people, I'm more willing to part with my money. (by the way, we're talking about stuff that we want. the discussion doesn't hold as much water for stuff that we need.)

It may be due to the fact that most of the pricier items I've come to own had been willingly paid by my parents as birthday/Christmas gifts (and hence saving them the hassle of thinking what to get me). Or it could be that I struggle with accepting that I deserve spending that much amount of money on myself. After much considerable effort, I could only recall my pair of Birks to be my priciest expenditure on myself. Even so, I thought about it for almost 2 weeks, going to the store (brick-&-mortar and online) and when I finally purchased it, felt guilty for about a week and questioning if I should have splurged so much $ on myself!! The consolation is that it has lasted me for at least a couple of years and barely shows its age.

So I'm just wondering if I'm generally more prudent with how I want to spend money or if I actually have a problem in spending on myself cuz I don't think I deserve that kind of indulgence. Does the latter mean I have difficulty loving myself more? What do you think?

nostalgia, almost.

searching through one of my old blogs for a poem i wrote a few years ago led me to read a few of my old blog posts. and gosh, the photos and the stuff that i wrote, the journeys i went through just 3+ years ago.

one particular post i had put up got me thinking again a little...

a portion from Wild At Heart that made me cry...

"But her question isn't so much about her strength.

No the deep cry of a little girl's heart is Am I lovely?

Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic andchosen.

This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God.

Will you pursue me?

Do you delight in me?

Will you fight for me?"

~Wild At Heart/John Eldredge~

what's interesting is that i immediately thought of the 'gate-crashing' aspect of a traditional chinese wedding. maybe it's because of the 'fight for her' cries my girlfriends gave when the hubby refused to have that for our wedding.

and as i stare at the words by john eldredge, there's a certain familiarity because after 3 years, i still have days that i ask and wonder if i am exquisite, exotic and chosen. not exquisite and exotic in the 'look at me i'm a physically beautiful woman worthy of men's attention' way. more of in the purest of intentions, beautiful.

i think the journey from then to being married has helped me to accept myself more, in that i don't struggle as intensely with these questions. yet sometimes i wonder if i've grown cuz my days are peppered with reminders of how God pursues and delights in me through the ways that the hubby cares for and protects me.

the transition from wife to mum-to-be definitely brought up questions on how i saw myself in terms of physical beauty, while at the same time screaming silently if the lack of inner beauty warranted my becoming a mum. and the season will shift again, very soon. the vain part of me is concerned about getting my old figure back while being bewildered by the thousands of concerns and worries that will descend upon a first time mum.

at the end of the day, all these thoughts still point to one question,

Am I lovely?

He's Able

i decided to sing a new song to Asher this morning during my bath and the song 'He's Able' came to mind. and as i began to sing it, i was surprised how ministering the song was, despite it being a childhood song and mainly an 'action' song for kids.

He's able, He's able

I know He's able

I know my Lord is able

To carry me through

He heals the broken hearted

And sets the captive free

He makes the lame to walk again

And cause the blind to see

Oh yea!

the simple words of 'He's able' have such depth to it, and i think often times in my journey as an adult, i've had difficulty fully believing it for myself. even as a chance meeting with a girlfriend this morning reminded me that i'm not sure i'm all that prepared emotionally for Asher's arrival, this song acts as a reminder that He is able, more than able to carry me through.

where He desires me to be

hello february!

hard to believe it's already the second month of the year. hey, where did my weekend go? heh, i might have more of those exclamations in time to come ;)

last night i allowed myself to fully feel the emotions about an 'issue'. it really isn't such a big deal, in the bigger picture, but i guess it was something i needed to sort out for myself, and not allow it to fester into bitterness in future.

last year i was challenged by my boss to enter a leadership training program that would span a year, and take place in different cities over the world. the hubby encouraged me to take it on and after some thought, i was won over by it, especially how such an opportunity wouldn't come easy. i was apprehensive though, when i would be pregnant as there were 'conditions' attached to the training; having a kid would pose greater challenges to fulfilling the responsibilities required.

and as it turns out, i did become pregnant and after a brief discussion with my boss, we decided that i'd forgo the chance this time round. at that time, i was pretty okay with it. or so i thought.

seeing in the work calendar that a gf would be flying off for the training this week suddenly made me wonder how things might be different. and i caught myself-am i actually wishing that things were different?

a hard look at my heart revealed that yes, i would very much like to still be on the program. at the same time, i can't help feeling and wondering if i might be 'missing out' on some things in my work life just cuz i'm going to become a mother. after all, most of my peers are only beginning to settle down now and a kid won't be in the picture for at least another year or two. and there's no denying the emotions of feeling alone and more than just a little lost at times. but really, He deemed me ready enough to become a mother in less than 3 months...so, that says something, right?

i don't regret, cuz this kid's really special (just look at how He protected him from harm while i lived in total ignorance for 2 months about the pregnancy). He's placed me here in this season cuz that's what is best for me, and not somewhere else. and to understand what it'll be like to become a parent, i'll learn more of how He is a Father to me.

this is where He desires me to be. and this is where i'll learn to embrace all that comes my way.

random musings

i've been wanting to post a photo of this top and finally remembered to take a shot of it today. It's a top that my mum wore when she was pregnant with me, which makes it more than 26years old! Made in Japan, it certainly doesn't feel dated at all. But as you can probably see in the photo, my growing tummy is already peeking out of it :P

and with baby poh growing, my tummy is stretching and this has resulted in my skin peeling like i've got sunburn. *sings* let it flake, let it flake, let it flake

lately i've noticed that i can barely see some parts of my body without a mirror. at times when i try to crane my neck to see how badly i've been peeling, my neck will ache :(

my feet and face seem to be getting a little swollen too. hopefully it's just water retention. i've put on almost 8-9kg now and i do wonder how much of it is water and how much of it is (*eek*) fat. having had a dream some nights ago that i became horrendously obese during pregnancy, i'm realising even more how vain i can be :P

i relish the times i can see little humps rise and fall on my tummy when baby poh squirms around in my tummy (: it's such an amazing thing to see and feel. i wish the hubby could share in that experience too, but he lacks the anatomy to. which he might actually be grateful for. haha.

happy new year's eve's eve!

i am...

thrilled every time i feel baby poh kicking, punching or somersaulting inside the womb. though at wee hours of the morning at times, i cherish it as it's a special connection that i have with him. and for only a few more months before he enters the world.

irritated at increased sensitivity of my skin, especially between my fingers. the perpetual itch almost feels like eczema, all red and scaly and dry :(

feeling all stuffed in my nose and wishing that my nose and ears would clear for good. really soon.

a bit dismayed to see that designers cater a lot more to baby girls than boys in their merchandise. c'mon, boys can wear nice clothes too y'know.

thankful for the beautiful greenery that S'pore has. just seeing how well trimmed they are, or the way the plants flower or bear fruit always makes me feel better, no matter what mood i'm in. it's almost like a reminder that God's at work, even when i think He's being rather silent.

hoping to go for a dip soon, to exercise the muscles a bit.

wondering if my nose will allow me to make it out of the house for the wedding tomorrow :S

looking forward to meeting joey soon. whenever that is (:

missing the hubby already, even though he just flew off last night. :P

november...random stuff

it's still a little difficult to get used to writing '11' instead of '10' for the month when i pen dates on whatever, but it really is sinking in that the end of the year is almost at hand.

today marks 4 months of having been married, and it definitely feels like it's been more than that. it's been good (:

lately i've been feeling really sleepy rather than tired due to the increased bouts of sneezing fits and subsequent congested nose and tiny eyes that droop for the rest of the day. it's one pregnancy symptom i would be glad to do without. it apparently has to do with the increased levels of estrogen that results in the mucous membranes swelling AND increased blood volume that causes the nasal vessels to swell. *sniffle sniff sniff* i therefore walk around looking like i've had no sleep :(

i was browsing through my honeymoon photos yesterday and when i saw a full length photo of me in my bikini (no, i'm not gonna post it :P), i stared at it incredulously. i had forgotten how my pre-pregnancy body looks like. already!! glaring hard, i scrutinized the 4-pec abs i used to have, now having been conquered by one pack of a baby. the hubby said, this is a gift-pack from God. heh. but now i realize how vain i am :P

my day ended yesterday with a surprise: as the hubby tried to figure out some chords for his song, i lay in bed and rested my hand on my tummy. suddenly, very faintly but evidently, i felt baby poh squirm around in the womb!! :D :D :D so exciting!! i can't feel baby poh otherwise, and have only been able to see him/her move around at times but this was quite a first! it's so encouraging since i'm still so small at almost 4months. baby poh is about 10cm tall now and is able to straighten his/her body better. the hubby has been teasing, asking baby poh if he/she has enough space in there. hmf...so cheeky.

time passing me by

it's been a week since our first gynae visit, but it feels way more than that. it's quite scary too, that i'm starting my 4th month into the pregnancy.

if i allow myself to, i might start freaking out at the expenses for the numerous baby stuff (essentials) that are needed, about breastfeeding correctly, about labor, about our hopefully soon to receive home, about putting on weight and not fat, about eating well for baby poh and me...about a million things. in a blink of an eye, i'm gonna be a mum, whether or not i feel ready.

*sigh* i MUST not allow faith to be shaken, especially if i only choose to look at myself or to cower when fear looms around. worry isn't of God, and without faith it is impossible to please God. when i falter, help me to overcome my unbelief Lord!

the 1st trimester

we've yet to see a gynae, as the recommended (female) one is now located at thomson medical instead of kkh, where we've decided i should deliver in. i'm a little impatient to see the gynae soon, just so that i know how old baby poh is. my guess is 7-8weeks, if i recall rightly when i started feeling the symptoms.

the symptoms have now ventured into being really hypersensitive to smells and starting last night, having a scarily bigger appetite. this morning, i had a pork floss sandwich and milk, followed by an apple, and a whole pack of bee hoon+egg+luncheon meat by 930am. yea, that made up my breakfast (taken at separate times) this morning, as i realized to my horror how insatiable the hunger is now. as i type this, i'm halfway through a nutella sandwich less than after a full lunch of cai fan.

as i learn to cope with the many changes my body goes through in this first pregnancy, i'm amazed at the thought of how jesus came to the world in the form of a baby. i had marveled at that before, but now, it is the thought of how He went through the formation in a mother's womb that amazes me. to think that He would humble Himself to be formed that way, and to be reliant on the human body. it astounds me, to understand that my Lord and Savior went through that whole process, something which we have all been through, and is what baby poh is going through now.

i like that thought. i'll think more about that through the day.

the coming of age

it just occured to me this morning that in 13 days, i'll turn a quarter of a century old. WOW.

i guess it's just a number to some but it feels like the crossing of a threshold. it feels like... *gasp* i'm only 5 years away from being 30!!! *EEEKS*!!!!

it feels strange, like a heavy responsibility, yet of what, i have no clue.

i liked being 24. and since i like even numbers, i'm actually not that keen on being 25, cuz it's an odd number. silly reason i know, but it's one of those quirks. yet, i'm kind of excited. i think the year of being 25 will be a special one.

how's married life?

probably the most popular question to any newly wed, i honestly don't know how to answer this sometimes. i guess it really depends on my mood sometimes. most times, 'interesting' is all i can muster in a 15-second chat at the office pantry.

interesting it definitely has been. with learning to hang my clothes hdb style instead of the metal clothes rack i'm accustomed to, my arm and neck muscles feel now feel a bit overused. staying next to a few schools also means i either get woken by the sound of buses driving past furiously or the discipline master's voice nagging at his students through the PA system.

other routines and habits have had to change. 'going to the toilet' is broken into 3 stations due to the toilet configuration of the house. i boil water for my bathing purposes while sleepily munching cereal over the day's newspapers. i miss the variety of breakfast options grandma used to provide but relish the opportunities i get (sometimes) to recreate what she's been serving me all these years.

sleeping habits are sooo different, which we are still trying to figure out. suffice to say, one's tossing, hand and leg movements can be dangerous at times. my different adjustments have been met by amusement (at times) by the hubby, but mostly empathetic and appreciative gestures as i learn. i do wish however, that the mosquitoes would stop treating me like a stranger;surely all the blood they've sucked is enough to acquaint us by now.

i suppose what i appreciate the most is not having to say 'bye-bye' at night, since we now live together. i'm definitely learning to be more considerate to others, to love more and be mindful of the small and almost insignificant details. and just yesterday, i cooked porridge for the first time (among other things) while caring for the hubby who came down with food poisoning.

so that's how it's been like for me at least, in the first month of marriage. reading 'sacred marriage' is a humbling tool, to learn how 'one-ness' is demonstrated in the choices we make towards our spouse. and many more lessons to come, for many more years ahead (: