nostalgia, almost.

searching through one of my old blogs for a poem i wrote a few years ago led me to read a few of my old blog posts. and gosh, the photos and the stuff that i wrote, the journeys i went through just 3+ years ago.

one particular post i had put up got me thinking again a little...

a portion from Wild At Heart that made me cry...

"But her question isn't so much about her strength.

No the deep cry of a little girl's heart is Am I lovely?

Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic andchosen.

This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God.

Will you pursue me?

Do you delight in me?

Will you fight for me?"

~Wild At Heart/John Eldredge~

what's interesting is that i immediately thought of the 'gate-crashing' aspect of a traditional chinese wedding. maybe it's because of the 'fight for her' cries my girlfriends gave when the hubby refused to have that for our wedding.

and as i stare at the words by john eldredge, there's a certain familiarity because after 3 years, i still have days that i ask and wonder if i am exquisite, exotic and chosen. not exquisite and exotic in the 'look at me i'm a physically beautiful woman worthy of men's attention' way. more of in the purest of intentions, beautiful.

i think the journey from then to being married has helped me to accept myself more, in that i don't struggle as intensely with these questions. yet sometimes i wonder if i've grown cuz my days are peppered with reminders of how God pursues and delights in me through the ways that the hubby cares for and protects me.

the transition from wife to mum-to-be definitely brought up questions on how i saw myself in terms of physical beauty, while at the same time screaming silently if the lack of inner beauty warranted my becoming a mum. and the season will shift again, very soon. the vain part of me is concerned about getting my old figure back while being bewildered by the thousands of concerns and worries that will descend upon a first time mum.

at the end of the day, all these thoughts still point to one question,

Am I lovely?

where He desires me to be

hello february!

hard to believe it's already the second month of the year. hey, where did my weekend go? heh, i might have more of those exclamations in time to come ;)

last night i allowed myself to fully feel the emotions about an 'issue'. it really isn't such a big deal, in the bigger picture, but i guess it was something i needed to sort out for myself, and not allow it to fester into bitterness in future.

last year i was challenged by my boss to enter a leadership training program that would span a year, and take place in different cities over the world. the hubby encouraged me to take it on and after some thought, i was won over by it, especially how such an opportunity wouldn't come easy. i was apprehensive though, when i would be pregnant as there were 'conditions' attached to the training; having a kid would pose greater challenges to fulfilling the responsibilities required.

and as it turns out, i did become pregnant and after a brief discussion with my boss, we decided that i'd forgo the chance this time round. at that time, i was pretty okay with it. or so i thought.

seeing in the work calendar that a gf would be flying off for the training this week suddenly made me wonder how things might be different. and i caught myself-am i actually wishing that things were different?

a hard look at my heart revealed that yes, i would very much like to still be on the program. at the same time, i can't help feeling and wondering if i might be 'missing out' on some things in my work life just cuz i'm going to become a mother. after all, most of my peers are only beginning to settle down now and a kid won't be in the picture for at least another year or two. and there's no denying the emotions of feeling alone and more than just a little lost at times. but really, He deemed me ready enough to become a mother in less than 3 months...so, that says something, right?

i don't regret, cuz this kid's really special (just look at how He protected him from harm while i lived in total ignorance for 2 months about the pregnancy). He's placed me here in this season cuz that's what is best for me, and not somewhere else. and to understand what it'll be like to become a parent, i'll learn more of how He is a Father to me.

this is where He desires me to be. and this is where i'll learn to embrace all that comes my way.

becoming mama

we finally had the long awaited scan yesterday, and discovered that we're going to have a boy (: i was a mixture of happiness and disappointment, the latter being that i've been hoping that our first child would be a girl. but staring at the ultrasound and seeing the boy's facial features, so delicately but clearly formed, i started to tear. here i was staring at my unborn child, known yet unknown.

there was a brief scare, when the technician said she needed one of the senior doctors to look at the baby's heart structure just to make sure everything's alright. i had seen a white spot in baby poh's heart through the ultrasound and true enough, that was the point of concern. thankfully, the doctor said it's not a tumor but the muscle insertion (or something like that) as the heart forms and grows. praying that the white spot will disappear in time.

i'm fearful now and again. i confess that i think i'd find mothering a girl a lot easier cuz i'm a woman. in fact, i'm clueless even as i start thinking of mothering a son. the world of trucks and cars are foreign to me. while the hubby would be a lot more adapt in this area of boys' toys, i would be the one spending most of the time with the little one since i'll be working from home, caring for the baby at the same time. in fact, i had rationalized that God wouldn't give us a boy cuz i just don't feel ready to mother a boy yet. some rationale. :P

yet another huge thing to trust God for! haha.

the process of finding a suitable name for baby poh has begun. there's so much to consider, especially with the mandarin name needing to sound nice in mandarin, hokkien AND cantonese. furthermore, the final initials can't be weird since the boy has to go to the army in future.

here's a look at our baby boy (: it's a little blur cuz i took a picture of the ultrasound with my phone. but it almost feels like he posed for us to see how he looks like. i love him (:

time passing me by

it's been a week since our first gynae visit, but it feels way more than that. it's quite scary too, that i'm starting my 4th month into the pregnancy.

if i allow myself to, i might start freaking out at the expenses for the numerous baby stuff (essentials) that are needed, about breastfeeding correctly, about labor, about our hopefully soon to receive home, about putting on weight and not fat, about eating well for baby poh and me...about a million things. in a blink of an eye, i'm gonna be a mum, whether or not i feel ready.

*sigh* i MUST not allow faith to be shaken, especially if i only choose to look at myself or to cower when fear looms around. worry isn't of God, and without faith it is impossible to please God. when i falter, help me to overcome my unbelief Lord!

the 1st trimester

we've yet to see a gynae, as the recommended (female) one is now located at thomson medical instead of kkh, where we've decided i should deliver in. i'm a little impatient to see the gynae soon, just so that i know how old baby poh is. my guess is 7-8weeks, if i recall rightly when i started feeling the symptoms.

the symptoms have now ventured into being really hypersensitive to smells and starting last night, having a scarily bigger appetite. this morning, i had a pork floss sandwich and milk, followed by an apple, and a whole pack of bee hoon+egg+luncheon meat by 930am. yea, that made up my breakfast (taken at separate times) this morning, as i realized to my horror how insatiable the hunger is now. as i type this, i'm halfway through a nutella sandwich less than after a full lunch of cai fan.

as i learn to cope with the many changes my body goes through in this first pregnancy, i'm amazed at the thought of how jesus came to the world in the form of a baby. i had marveled at that before, but now, it is the thought of how He went through the formation in a mother's womb that amazes me. to think that He would humble Himself to be formed that way, and to be reliant on the human body. it astounds me, to understand that my Lord and Savior went through that whole process, something which we have all been through, and is what baby poh is going through now.

i like that thought. i'll think more about that through the day.

how's married life?

probably the most popular question to any newly wed, i honestly don't know how to answer this sometimes. i guess it really depends on my mood sometimes. most times, 'interesting' is all i can muster in a 15-second chat at the office pantry.

interesting it definitely has been. with learning to hang my clothes hdb style instead of the metal clothes rack i'm accustomed to, my arm and neck muscles feel now feel a bit overused. staying next to a few schools also means i either get woken by the sound of buses driving past furiously or the discipline master's voice nagging at his students through the PA system.

other routines and habits have had to change. 'going to the toilet' is broken into 3 stations due to the toilet configuration of the house. i boil water for my bathing purposes while sleepily munching cereal over the day's newspapers. i miss the variety of breakfast options grandma used to provide but relish the opportunities i get (sometimes) to recreate what she's been serving me all these years.

sleeping habits are sooo different, which we are still trying to figure out. suffice to say, one's tossing, hand and leg movements can be dangerous at times. my different adjustments have been met by amusement (at times) by the hubby, but mostly empathetic and appreciative gestures as i learn. i do wish however, that the mosquitoes would stop treating me like a stranger;surely all the blood they've sucked is enough to acquaint us by now.

i suppose what i appreciate the most is not having to say 'bye-bye' at night, since we now live together. i'm definitely learning to be more considerate to others, to love more and be mindful of the small and almost insignificant details. and just yesterday, i cooked porridge for the first time (among other things) while caring for the hubby who came down with food poisoning.

so that's how it's been like for me at least, in the first month of marriage. reading 'sacred marriage' is a humbling tool, to learn how 'one-ness' is demonstrated in the choices we make towards our spouse. and many more lessons to come, for many more years ahead (: