3 months of motherhood

It's been a long while. And so much has happened.

I had said in my last entry that I would be induced. Well, turns out that I started having contractions at around 9+am on 25th April and after over 20 hours of labor, Asher was finally born on 26th April :) and yes, I had epidural. Didn't want to but the other painkillers didn't work and I was screaming away in pain while only being less than 5cm dilated.

So how's it been like these past 3 months? There's a whole range of emotions, and heart processes to be dealt with. I had to deal with Asher having difficulty latching when I breastfed him, then decided to express the milk instead which exhausted me and finally decided to stop the breastmilk. That was a difficult decision and Haiks persuaded me that in stopping the breastmilk did not mean that I was not giving Asher the best. You know how it is, with breastmilk being the rage and how it IS the best for babies, FOC and having antibodies, I was in a huge dilemma in wanting to stop. But if I didn't stop, I was incapable of doing anything just cuz how expressing took up more time, energy and robbed me of more much needed sleep.

What made it worse was having to cope with mastitis (breast infection), engorgement and blocked ducts during that process. The pain and discomfort as I endured all that before starting to wean was nothing compared to the engorgement that came later. I was so engorged that I went through 7 shirts in 10hours as I was leaking breastmilk constantly, soaking each shirt and the towel I placed in bed to absorb the milk. Had to go to KK to get a stronger medication to stop the lactation and a major painkiller to stop the pain. All this because I had A LOT of milk.

So ironic right? Too much of a good thing created so much trouble for me and I'm now fearful of breastfeeding again in future :( In fact, the abundant milk caused Asher to choke constantly cuz the flow was too strong for him to nurse properly :S

I AM thankful that Asher began to sleep through the night without having to feed before he turned 2months old. I'm trying to train him to not wake up at 4+ and 5+ before his feed at 7am, since he used to feed at those times.

Recently, we celebrated our 1st year anniversary as husband and wife and it was a bittersweet evening. It was good to have time alone and enjoy dinner together but we had to talk through issues that had been surfacing ever since Asher arrived. It's never easy hearing your husband say that you've become different, and not for the better! I knew that I had lost my temper too often, at Asher and at the hubby and I often blamed it on hormones and a lack of sleep. Which wasn't entirely wrong since the hormonal change after delivering and weaning was totally crazy!! We also realized that I was being stressed out by my MIL (mum-in-law). As much I deeply appreciate her help and wisdom in caring for Asher, our differing opinions and methods of caring for him often made me feel insecure, agitated and totally useless as a mother when I was trying my hardest. Yet I have also come to terms that severely lacking in my heart is the ability to love more and to live in peace and to hold my tongue. All of which I need to rely on God daily for. Talk about His mercies being new every morning! :)

Just 2days ago, I had to face another difficult 'situation'. There was the chance of dancing for an event come August and I was so tempted to do so. In fact, it almost seemed possible that I could dance in it but I made the very difficult decision not to. It was so difficult, forcing myself to deny something I love so much. It doesn't help that it's dance season now and there a dozen events that I want to watch or take part in. But I'm not just a wife now, I'm a mother too. It just felt irresponsible to place Asher with someone and go for dance practice, come home tired and possibly irritated with Asher (and maybe the hubby) for whatever reasons and just having a bad experience altogether.

I know it seems like I'm painting a bad picture of motherhood thus far but I'm just being honest about the journey. I love being a mum, I do. I like bathing Asher, hugging him, making him laugh and seeing how he's growing (and man, is he growing!!) But I also resent the demands of motherhood. I get incensed when he wakes up for (what I think is) no reason after patting him to sleep for 5-15minutes and he sleeps for 5 minutes or half an hour, being woken up by some noisy neighbor or a family member talks too loudly.

I want to dance again. I want to be able to cook my own meals and not have a baby being so dependent on me for his every need. I want to be able to go out without having to plan so far ahead about the time and all of the needs that Asher has. I want to be able to spend time with my husband without either of us feeling tired or being interrupted by a baby who needs to feed soon or wants to sleep. Yet, these are all responsibilities of a mother that can be an offering to the Father if I do it with a heart of worship and not grudgingly. And I never fail to tear when I am reminded of this fact. Just today, I'm reminded that because of what I'm giving to Asher, I'm blessed. And as a song goes, "out of Your Hand, we give to You"

It's less than a month away to the end of my maternity leave and I'll have to try juggling another (huge) thing on my plate. I firmly believe there isn't a more challenging job in the world than being a mother; my hats off to the mothers who have many kids and do it all on their own!! In the meantime, I'm looking forward to when Asher will roll over and continues his baby developments :)

where He desires me to be

hello february!

hard to believe it's already the second month of the year. hey, where did my weekend go? heh, i might have more of those exclamations in time to come ;)

last night i allowed myself to fully feel the emotions about an 'issue'. it really isn't such a big deal, in the bigger picture, but i guess it was something i needed to sort out for myself, and not allow it to fester into bitterness in future.

last year i was challenged by my boss to enter a leadership training program that would span a year, and take place in different cities over the world. the hubby encouraged me to take it on and after some thought, i was won over by it, especially how such an opportunity wouldn't come easy. i was apprehensive though, when i would be pregnant as there were 'conditions' attached to the training; having a kid would pose greater challenges to fulfilling the responsibilities required.

and as it turns out, i did become pregnant and after a brief discussion with my boss, we decided that i'd forgo the chance this time round. at that time, i was pretty okay with it. or so i thought.

seeing in the work calendar that a gf would be flying off for the training this week suddenly made me wonder how things might be different. and i caught myself-am i actually wishing that things were different?

a hard look at my heart revealed that yes, i would very much like to still be on the program. at the same time, i can't help feeling and wondering if i might be 'missing out' on some things in my work life just cuz i'm going to become a mother. after all, most of my peers are only beginning to settle down now and a kid won't be in the picture for at least another year or two. and there's no denying the emotions of feeling alone and more than just a little lost at times. but really, He deemed me ready enough to become a mother in less than 3 months...so, that says something, right?

i don't regret, cuz this kid's really special (just look at how He protected him from harm while i lived in total ignorance for 2 months about the pregnancy). He's placed me here in this season cuz that's what is best for me, and not somewhere else. and to understand what it'll be like to become a parent, i'll learn more of how He is a Father to me.

this is where He desires me to be. and this is where i'll learn to embrace all that comes my way.

i am...

thrilled every time i feel baby poh kicking, punching or somersaulting inside the womb. though at wee hours of the morning at times, i cherish it as it's a special connection that i have with him. and for only a few more months before he enters the world.

irritated at increased sensitivity of my skin, especially between my fingers. the perpetual itch almost feels like eczema, all red and scaly and dry :(

feeling all stuffed in my nose and wishing that my nose and ears would clear for good. really soon.

a bit dismayed to see that designers cater a lot more to baby girls than boys in their merchandise. c'mon, boys can wear nice clothes too y'know.

thankful for the beautiful greenery that S'pore has. just seeing how well trimmed they are, or the way the plants flower or bear fruit always makes me feel better, no matter what mood i'm in. it's almost like a reminder that God's at work, even when i think He's being rather silent.

hoping to go for a dip soon, to exercise the muscles a bit.

wondering if my nose will allow me to make it out of the house for the wedding tomorrow :S

looking forward to meeting joey soon. whenever that is (:

missing the hubby already, even though he just flew off last night. :P

the beginning of december

this is a long overdue post, mainly cuz i've been too busy at work. this month is gonna be crazy preparing for Meta since we're doing a workshop, a dance skit and dancing for a worship set. thankfully i'm not involved in the last one, also cuz i don't think my current roundness would be very graceful :P

i'm feeling a little grouchy and more than a tad disappointed now. just found out that our ballot number for the j.west flats way exceeds the number of available flats. i suppose having baby poh on the way makes it more urgent...don't quite know how to think even though i'd prayed for grace to accept the results He gives us. this might mean having to raise baby poh for the first few months in the already cramped in-law's place :S i need to talk to God...

anyway, something that i wanted to post were pictures of how i looked like in November, with the baby bump showing (:

3rd Nov at 4months

19Nov at 18.3weeks

today at 19 weeks.

the dress i'm wearing is from cotton on, but it really looks like a maternity dress on me. you can't really see the baby bump i suppose, even with my hands pressed down against the dress so as to make it more obvious. heh.

a common question i receive is if people have been offering me their seats. so far, only 1 lady has done so voluntarily. most times the seat was emptied when the passenger alighted at his/her stop. in any case, i hardly look my age, much less married. i've resigned to receiving dirty looks from strangers and being mistaken to be a teenage pregnancy case. heh.

december will see the hubby being really busy!! i will be too, with work and making his prezzie. heh. ok, baby's kicking and it's lunch time. please pray we'll have a solution for our housing needs!

time passing me by

it's been a week since our first gynae visit, but it feels way more than that. it's quite scary too, that i'm starting my 4th month into the pregnancy.

if i allow myself to, i might start freaking out at the expenses for the numerous baby stuff (essentials) that are needed, about breastfeeding correctly, about labor, about our hopefully soon to receive home, about putting on weight and not fat, about eating well for baby poh and me...about a million things. in a blink of an eye, i'm gonna be a mum, whether or not i feel ready.

*sigh* i MUST not allow faith to be shaken, especially if i only choose to look at myself or to cower when fear looms around. worry isn't of God, and without faith it is impossible to please God. when i falter, help me to overcome my unbelief Lord!

15 july 2009

today we came so close to being seriously injured. leaving the office to go view a flat, we were almost late actually, but didn't walk too fast. suddenly from our right, a car drove up the kerb and crashed into a small tree. i screamed at the suddenness of it, shocked that we were less than a metre away from being hit had the tree not been there to bear the brunt of the impact.

recovering from the initial shock, we quickly looked at the driver, only to find that he was having a fit. i think we probably never felt as helpless and shocked at the same time. ok i have, when grandpa died, but that's a different kind. hubby quickly called for an ambulance while i called the police, all the time fighting the adrenaline that was making my heart pound and tears that wanted to but couldn't come.

the poor driver went into at least 3 fits before the ambulance came. the silly police however, didn't come the whole time we waited. we finally left the scene as the paramedics prepared to cart the guy to the hospital.

even as i write this now, i may not have gotten over the incident. probably take a few days? the screech of the tyres, the sight of the car ploughing up and into the tree, the man going into multiple fits while we stood helplessly watching. only hours later did memories of what to do when someone gets a fit come to mind. as much as i'm shocked, i think the driver feels much worse, having gotten into an accident in such a manner.

i'm thankful, for the protection He laid upon us, for the tree that was planted there, that it was strong enough to bear the brunt of the impact. thankful that safety didn't elude us in the few seconds there. thankful, for life in itself. thankful for the hubby's strong embrace to calm me as much as possible.

we eventually saw 2 flats, one in bkt batok, one in clementi. the latter is so desirable, but the last offer at such a high vlaue that we're unsure..at least i know i am. it's so hard to know what's the best price to pay for a combination of factors for a house that will become a home. Lord, we need Your wisdom, and the discernment to have Your peace.

pray for us as we search for our home...

pre wedding jitters

never thought i'd feel this anxious, or fearful. but i do.

fear of the unknown, and the known. anxious of how life will be as i enter the phase called change. funny how i still struggle with change this much, when change is pretty much a constant in life.

these few days have shown me and hubby2be so much of my ugliness, it shocks me to know that he still wants to marry me. scary isn't it, to have such conversations and thoughts less than 2weeks to the wedding? but this really just shows me how unworthy I am. it shows me how desperately i am in need of God.

so as i count the days down (11, 12?) to the big day, i'm needing to remember to REST, with YOU. needing to take in my last days of being a single, an independent, that the days of me being an emotional selfish b**** have to die one by one if i want to truly love mr poh. [sorry if you're offended by my use of language. but i've realised that there're days i'm carnal enough to deserve that name :( ]

i'm not the only one having jitters. think grandma has her own too. i do hope the crying'll stop, so i won't be a puffer fish bride. i do hope even more, that my heart'll be yielded so He can mould me.

girlfriends who are reading this, thank you SO MUCH, for having journeyed with me at different points in my life, that have shaped me to this day. and i trust you will continue to do so. cuz that's what He placed you in my life for.

now there're vows to memorize, speech to prepare for, and thank you cards to make (:

by the way, only today it hit me, 'WHAT was i thinking to go for a 3hour dance class 2days before the wedding???' *sigh* me and my brain. craziness.

i want to...

sunbathe beneath the beautiful blue sky and watch the clouds pass by, with a cold glass of honey lemon drink in hand, the sound of nature in my ears and the rolling waves at my feet. 

i am...

working outside in the morning and hoping the splitting headache i woke up with will go away. 

excited but nervous about the choreo session later in the afternoon. it's street jazz/hip hop, something i've always wanted to do but am not sure how it'll turn out (good i hope). at the same time, realising that my sneakers are now talking to me doesn't help. hopefully the ones on my feet now will make do for today. note to self: go shopping. 

stressed about work, the unforseen demands and expectations suddenly placed on me, which i'm finding a bit hard not to feel that it's unfair. 

wanting to go shopping but am afraid i'll splurge after having abstained from it for the past 3 months. 

wanting a good swim.

looking forward to wedding shoot next week.

wishing the new office email won't crank up on me again and give me a near heart-attack.

wanting to kidnap hubby2be from all his ministry commitments and disappear at some beach/park for an undisturbed picnic, to not think of anything and just enjoy each other's company. 

hoping there'll come a day i can eat chips and brownies and ice cream at leisure without ever getting fat. fat hope. 

desirables

thelittlehappyshop-it really has so many pretty pretty things...i only wish their prices are more affordable...

oh i absolutely love this bag!!

day dreams

imagine the lovely smell of banana bread wafting out of the oven, in our 'nest'

imagine the beautiful colours of dawn breaking during a hike up bkt timah hill, the birds chirping to rouse their neighbours awake

imagine the sun's rays glistening in clear water, the waves rolling softly inland

imagine dancing to Your voice, with no inhibition of physical flexibility or creative imagination

imagine people realizing Truth and receiving unfathomable Grace for their souls

imagine the walk down the aisle, and the journey that lies ahead of us as One with Him

imagine the joy of a child in my arms, looking like us, but created in His image

imagine...