money matters

Last night I learnt that a friend spent $1000 on a microphone, which startled me a bit even though I know how these 'toys' are worth their value in terms of quality and the difference they bring to capturing sound. Still, it is quite beyond my imagination to spend almost 80% of my salary on a single item. And quite a small one too.

To which the hubby said that it's not impossible, cuz if it's well worth and it's something that he is passionate about, he's willing to spend too. His 'toys' would normally be sound equipment and computers and drum stuff. I however, realized in the course of our conversation, that I have great difficulty spending a large sum of money on myself. In spending on other people, I'm more willing to part with my money. (by the way, we're talking about stuff that we want. the discussion doesn't hold as much water for stuff that we need.)

It may be due to the fact that most of the pricier items I've come to own had been willingly paid by my parents as birthday/Christmas gifts (and hence saving them the hassle of thinking what to get me). Or it could be that I struggle with accepting that I deserve spending that much amount of money on myself. After much considerable effort, I could only recall my pair of Birks to be my priciest expenditure on myself. Even so, I thought about it for almost 2 weeks, going to the store (brick-&-mortar and online) and when I finally purchased it, felt guilty for about a week and questioning if I should have splurged so much $ on myself!! The consolation is that it has lasted me for at least a couple of years and barely shows its age.

So I'm just wondering if I'm generally more prudent with how I want to spend money or if I actually have a problem in spending on myself cuz I don't think I deserve that kind of indulgence. Does the latter mean I have difficulty loving myself more? What do you think?

beautiful nature

the recent weather (long periods of scorching sun and sporadic rain) has allowed many of the trees and plants to produce flowers in intense blooms. and i smile everyday at these lovely sights.

sharing at a cell meeting that seeing such pretty works of His hand helps to perk me up led the hubby to say somewhat bewilderedly, "It does nothing for me!"

Oh but even the frailty of a drying rose brings much cheer to my soul. I'll enjoy the flowers while they last.

:)

nostalgia, almost.

searching through one of my old blogs for a poem i wrote a few years ago led me to read a few of my old blog posts. and gosh, the photos and the stuff that i wrote, the journeys i went through just 3+ years ago.

one particular post i had put up got me thinking again a little...

a portion from Wild At Heart that made me cry...

"But her question isn't so much about her strength.

No the deep cry of a little girl's heart is Am I lovely?

Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic andchosen.

This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God.

Will you pursue me?

Do you delight in me?

Will you fight for me?"

~Wild At Heart/John Eldredge~

what's interesting is that i immediately thought of the 'gate-crashing' aspect of a traditional chinese wedding. maybe it's because of the 'fight for her' cries my girlfriends gave when the hubby refused to have that for our wedding.

and as i stare at the words by john eldredge, there's a certain familiarity because after 3 years, i still have days that i ask and wonder if i am exquisite, exotic and chosen. not exquisite and exotic in the 'look at me i'm a physically beautiful woman worthy of men's attention' way. more of in the purest of intentions, beautiful.

i think the journey from then to being married has helped me to accept myself more, in that i don't struggle as intensely with these questions. yet sometimes i wonder if i've grown cuz my days are peppered with reminders of how God pursues and delights in me through the ways that the hubby cares for and protects me.

the transition from wife to mum-to-be definitely brought up questions on how i saw myself in terms of physical beauty, while at the same time screaming silently if the lack of inner beauty warranted my becoming a mum. and the season will shift again, very soon. the vain part of me is concerned about getting my old figure back while being bewildered by the thousands of concerns and worries that will descend upon a first time mum.

at the end of the day, all these thoughts still point to one question,

Am I lovely?

on a side note...

even though i know it all in my head, it still is very difficult to ignore the looks of shock (among other emotions) people give me.

even though i get it everyday, sometimes a few times a day, it doesn't make it any easier the next time someone gives me a look.

i get upset cuz i'm not pregnant out of wedlock or underaged. yet these past few months have caused me to rethink whenever i see a young pregnant person. rethink in the sense that i remind myself not to judge. because that young lady might well just be young looking too. or even if she was underaged, it takes a lot of courage and strength to go through that.

domestic day

today's the first day of clearing leave and i spent quite a few hours just having all of baby Asher's clothes laundered. but the fun thing about it is seeing all the tiny outfits hanging from the bamboo poles (:

he already has way too many socks! but they're so cute though...

unfortunately, the color range for boy's clothes is rather limited.

i cooked myself some lunch, and realized that my tummy is making it difficult for me to wash dishes at the sink properly. if i were to stand with my back straight, my hands can't reach the tap sufficiently. bending over results in me aching in a really short while. standing sideways doesn't seem to be the best solution either.

anyhow, lunch was a rice dish that was cooked in butter with prawns, button mushrooms and basil topped with an egg and cheese. (:

tomorrow marks the 8th month of the pregnancy, and i'm supposed to put on even more weight. or rather, the baby boy is supposed to fatten up even more. here's how i look now, and we'll see how it compares by the end of the month.