where He desires me to be

hello february!

hard to believe it's already the second month of the year. hey, where did my weekend go? heh, i might have more of those exclamations in time to come ;)

last night i allowed myself to fully feel the emotions about an 'issue'. it really isn't such a big deal, in the bigger picture, but i guess it was something i needed to sort out for myself, and not allow it to fester into bitterness in future.

last year i was challenged by my boss to enter a leadership training program that would span a year, and take place in different cities over the world. the hubby encouraged me to take it on and after some thought, i was won over by it, especially how such an opportunity wouldn't come easy. i was apprehensive though, when i would be pregnant as there were 'conditions' attached to the training; having a kid would pose greater challenges to fulfilling the responsibilities required.

and as it turns out, i did become pregnant and after a brief discussion with my boss, we decided that i'd forgo the chance this time round. at that time, i was pretty okay with it. or so i thought.

seeing in the work calendar that a gf would be flying off for the training this week suddenly made me wonder how things might be different. and i caught myself-am i actually wishing that things were different?

a hard look at my heart revealed that yes, i would very much like to still be on the program. at the same time, i can't help feeling and wondering if i might be 'missing out' on some things in my work life just cuz i'm going to become a mother. after all, most of my peers are only beginning to settle down now and a kid won't be in the picture for at least another year or two. and there's no denying the emotions of feeling alone and more than just a little lost at times. but really, He deemed me ready enough to become a mother in less than 3 months...so, that says something, right?

i don't regret, cuz this kid's really special (just look at how He protected him from harm while i lived in total ignorance for 2 months about the pregnancy). He's placed me here in this season cuz that's what is best for me, and not somewhere else. and to understand what it'll be like to become a parent, i'll learn more of how He is a Father to me.

this is where He desires me to be. and this is where i'll learn to embrace all that comes my way.