trials that produce patience

I really want to heave a huge sigh, just cos I feel like I need to 'ren ming', otherwise loosely translated as "accept my fate".

It has FINALLY come to the day (what a long awaited day!!) that the almost 7month old kid is sleeping through the night. I still wake up at 2+ or 4+ for no reason, or at 5 by my MIL's noisy actions in the kitchen and living room till she leaves the house at 6am for work. But its a LOT better than being consistently woken up every hour or every couple of hours by a baby who wakes up for no conceivable reason.

Alas, after one challenge comes another. After I thought I finally found the reason why the baby would scream and cry nonstop while eating his rice cereal (cos I'm feeding too slowly), it seems that he has lost a bit of interest in the 2 flavors of cereal that I have been feeding him. This evening, feeding him was yet another exhausting affair while I fought the hunger and slight giddiness after spending time with him swimming.

Even my grandmother who has cared for 4babies (her own 2, me and my bro) and helped raise several other kids, couldn't help commenting several times that Asher is a very demanding and challenging baby to care for.

So other than being slightly worried how he will take to the new foods I will prepare for him, I'm concerned that he won't take in much and start waking up at night for feeds (as he has done every other night lately). At the same time, he seems to be fussing more when his usual babysitters (my mum and MIL) care for him, which leaves me worried as to how he'll be if I still proceed with the plan of leaving him in mum's care for the 4Dec wedding.

All that said, I know that these challenges only cause me to lean on Him more and more, to learn patience every few hours in a day, 7 days a week. I keep hoping for the silver lining to come, but I think that after one challenge, another will pop its head to say 'Hi'. Like the next set of teeth that I anticipate to come at 8 months, or the challenges of transition when we move to our home. Or staying at a different place for staff summit. With so many changes that happen so very often, this girl who very much thrives in stability is definitely thankful that our God is unchanging!!

grace that is sufficient

the past week had been an extremely difficult one. even though the haze had thankfully dissipated (mostly), the baby and I were still battling the effects of it on our health. I probably felt it more, considering how the phlegm stubbornly stayed in my lungs and coughing left me breathless and tired. What made it worse was that Asher began to teeth and slept horribly in the nights, leaving me utterly exhausted and desperately needing to recover and just, REST.

and so i broke down yesterday. after the MIL brought Asher out, I let loose the dam that was bursting at the seams. I let it out, howling (literally) my exhaustion and helplessness out. I managed to get an hour's nap after that and rationalized that I couldn't stress myself any further wondering if it was the teething or insufficient food that had kept the baby up before. I'll hafta take it one night at a time.

I reminded myself multiple times that His Grace is sufficient for me, and I don't think it's a coincidence that the hubby prayed the exact same words over us last night.

There's a slew of events facing the physically exhausted hubby this week, I sprained my back this morning and am a little stressed over the MIL's ideas of feeding the baby solids (which conflict somewhat with mine). While I try not to worry about how I will settle both my and the baby's meals in the near future, I again turn to His Promise, that His Grace IS sufficient.

It often feels like the mundane take up so much of my time and energy, yet in this I have found joy and precious moments that linger and bring tears to my eyes. Like how one morning in my sleepy state, I peeped through my eyes to see the baby, refusing to nap, grinned at me in delight and buried his face into my arm as his form of adoration. Moments, precious ones.

sacrifices

last night as I lay in bed and looked at some Facebook photos of a girl's dance journey in the commercial world, I felt sad (for her) [don't ask] and started crying (for myself). Was it self pity for myself?

As I let the words come out of my mouth upon the husband's probing regarding my tears, I know I was crying because I miss dancing, so very very much. I almost feel like inspiration has all but disappeared from within just cuz I haven't danced in such a long time. I did wonder if God had forgotten about my dreams and aspirations, but I know that deep within, that's not true. And when I look at my baby boy, I know it's worth it. *breathes out* even if I can't stand how out of shape my body is, how unfit I am, how much I long to go for dance classes, to dance in worship, to watch as many dance performances as I want to in a whim's notice.... it's worth it, even as I still tear now and then.

Self-pity? maybe... but I also know that it's part of my process of coming to terms FULLY, about this season. Because even if I could attain all my dreams and aspirations, I wouldn't be happy if I'm not loving and obeying Him. As someone wrote on FB and I quote, "I was made from Love, to love and for love."

3 months of motherhood

It's been a long while. And so much has happened.

I had said in my last entry that I would be induced. Well, turns out that I started having contractions at around 9+am on 25th April and after over 20 hours of labor, Asher was finally born on 26th April :) and yes, I had epidural. Didn't want to but the other painkillers didn't work and I was screaming away in pain while only being less than 5cm dilated.

So how's it been like these past 3 months? There's a whole range of emotions, and heart processes to be dealt with. I had to deal with Asher having difficulty latching when I breastfed him, then decided to express the milk instead which exhausted me and finally decided to stop the breastmilk. That was a difficult decision and Haiks persuaded me that in stopping the breastmilk did not mean that I was not giving Asher the best. You know how it is, with breastmilk being the rage and how it IS the best for babies, FOC and having antibodies, I was in a huge dilemma in wanting to stop. But if I didn't stop, I was incapable of doing anything just cuz how expressing took up more time, energy and robbed me of more much needed sleep.

What made it worse was having to cope with mastitis (breast infection), engorgement and blocked ducts during that process. The pain and discomfort as I endured all that before starting to wean was nothing compared to the engorgement that came later. I was so engorged that I went through 7 shirts in 10hours as I was leaking breastmilk constantly, soaking each shirt and the towel I placed in bed to absorb the milk. Had to go to KK to get a stronger medication to stop the lactation and a major painkiller to stop the pain. All this because I had A LOT of milk.

So ironic right? Too much of a good thing created so much trouble for me and I'm now fearful of breastfeeding again in future :( In fact, the abundant milk caused Asher to choke constantly cuz the flow was too strong for him to nurse properly :S

I AM thankful that Asher began to sleep through the night without having to feed before he turned 2months old. I'm trying to train him to not wake up at 4+ and 5+ before his feed at 7am, since he used to feed at those times.

Recently, we celebrated our 1st year anniversary as husband and wife and it was a bittersweet evening. It was good to have time alone and enjoy dinner together but we had to talk through issues that had been surfacing ever since Asher arrived. It's never easy hearing your husband say that you've become different, and not for the better! I knew that I had lost my temper too often, at Asher and at the hubby and I often blamed it on hormones and a lack of sleep. Which wasn't entirely wrong since the hormonal change after delivering and weaning was totally crazy!! We also realized that I was being stressed out by my MIL (mum-in-law). As much I deeply appreciate her help and wisdom in caring for Asher, our differing opinions and methods of caring for him often made me feel insecure, agitated and totally useless as a mother when I was trying my hardest. Yet I have also come to terms that severely lacking in my heart is the ability to love more and to live in peace and to hold my tongue. All of which I need to rely on God daily for. Talk about His mercies being new every morning! :)

Just 2days ago, I had to face another difficult 'situation'. There was the chance of dancing for an event come August and I was so tempted to do so. In fact, it almost seemed possible that I could dance in it but I made the very difficult decision not to. It was so difficult, forcing myself to deny something I love so much. It doesn't help that it's dance season now and there a dozen events that I want to watch or take part in. But I'm not just a wife now, I'm a mother too. It just felt irresponsible to place Asher with someone and go for dance practice, come home tired and possibly irritated with Asher (and maybe the hubby) for whatever reasons and just having a bad experience altogether.

I know it seems like I'm painting a bad picture of motherhood thus far but I'm just being honest about the journey. I love being a mum, I do. I like bathing Asher, hugging him, making him laugh and seeing how he's growing (and man, is he growing!!) But I also resent the demands of motherhood. I get incensed when he wakes up for (what I think is) no reason after patting him to sleep for 5-15minutes and he sleeps for 5 minutes or half an hour, being woken up by some noisy neighbor or a family member talks too loudly.

I want to dance again. I want to be able to cook my own meals and not have a baby being so dependent on me for his every need. I want to be able to go out without having to plan so far ahead about the time and all of the needs that Asher has. I want to be able to spend time with my husband without either of us feeling tired or being interrupted by a baby who needs to feed soon or wants to sleep. Yet, these are all responsibilities of a mother that can be an offering to the Father if I do it with a heart of worship and not grudgingly. And I never fail to tear when I am reminded of this fact. Just today, I'm reminded that because of what I'm giving to Asher, I'm blessed. And as a song goes, "out of Your Hand, we give to You"

It's less than a month away to the end of my maternity leave and I'll have to try juggling another (huge) thing on my plate. I firmly believe there isn't a more challenging job in the world than being a mother; my hats off to the mothers who have many kids and do it all on their own!! In the meantime, I'm looking forward to when Asher will roll over and continues his baby developments :)

turn of events

After imagining for weeks on end how I might enter labor, I'm now scheduled to go for induced labor on 26th, Asher's estimated due date.

Initially okay with it, I became paranoid and anxious after reading online about the risks involved and how I don't fall into the usual categories of needing to have an induced labor. I'm thankful that my gynae returned my call and explained that the placenta would spoil after 40weeks of pregnancy and it's best for the baby to come out. At the same time, being reassured by the words in Psalm 121 helped to ease my anxious heart. Pardon the pun, but the following words really helped!!

"The Lord watches over you...The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

This week has really been a teary one, as I battle the various emotions while waiting for Asher to arrive. It varies from anxiety to paranoia, anticipation to excitement and back to fear...all in less than an hour almost everyday!! And I think childbirth is one of the few things when one will get to experience both joy and pain at the same time. heh.

So, if Asher doesn't come out before Mon, and I don't have an excessively long labor, it will be 26th April. You'll hear from me (or the hubby). See you some time soon blog.

THE Bag

I'm so happy with my new bag that I've decided to blog about it (:

I must first explain that while I'm not short on the number of bags that I own (as many girls do), I'm talking about THE ONE that you'll choose over the rest, the most carried and used cuz it suits the occasion, outfit or purpose. And I had that, a white shoulder bag from Hong Kong H&M at only S$20-25 bought in 2008. Which was flaking horrendously all over my clothes and body as it shed its skin from being overused :( I was wearing it out till its fullest but needed to find a replacement as I can't have the bag flaking all over Asher in future. A few relatively cheap purchases failed to live up to my expectations and needs of THE BAG.

SO...after foolishly toying with the idea of splurging on a 2nd hand Fossil Bag from e-bay (ya, what was I thinking right? gonna have a kid and still can afford that kind of splurge. pfft) and almost buying a handmade bag from Thailand through etsy, I chanced upon a bag shop at Plaza Sing when I met j. for prata dinner. And I almost didn't buy it! Cuz the zipper's direction was created for right-handed bag people. I'm a right hander but I carry my bags on the left shoulder. Thank goodness j. convinced me that it was a silly reason not to get it and I must say, I'm glad I listened to her (: So here it is!!

Ok, the color is prettier in reality cuz I think the office fluorescent light just kills photos. It's definitely bigger than what I had initially wanted but hey, it means I can probably throw in Asher's things too when I dare to venture out of the house with him in future.

money matters

Last night I learnt that a friend spent $1000 on a microphone, which startled me a bit even though I know how these 'toys' are worth their value in terms of quality and the difference they bring to capturing sound. Still, it is quite beyond my imagination to spend almost 80% of my salary on a single item. And quite a small one too.

To which the hubby said that it's not impossible, cuz if it's well worth and it's something that he is passionate about, he's willing to spend too. His 'toys' would normally be sound equipment and computers and drum stuff. I however, realized in the course of our conversation, that I have great difficulty spending a large sum of money on myself. In spending on other people, I'm more willing to part with my money. (by the way, we're talking about stuff that we want. the discussion doesn't hold as much water for stuff that we need.)

It may be due to the fact that most of the pricier items I've come to own had been willingly paid by my parents as birthday/Christmas gifts (and hence saving them the hassle of thinking what to get me). Or it could be that I struggle with accepting that I deserve spending that much amount of money on myself. After much considerable effort, I could only recall my pair of Birks to be my priciest expenditure on myself. Even so, I thought about it for almost 2 weeks, going to the store (brick-&-mortar and online) and when I finally purchased it, felt guilty for about a week and questioning if I should have splurged so much $ on myself!! The consolation is that it has lasted me for at least a couple of years and barely shows its age.

So I'm just wondering if I'm generally more prudent with how I want to spend money or if I actually have a problem in spending on myself cuz I don't think I deserve that kind of indulgence. Does the latter mean I have difficulty loving myself more? What do you think?

beautiful nature

the recent weather (long periods of scorching sun and sporadic rain) has allowed many of the trees and plants to produce flowers in intense blooms. and i smile everyday at these lovely sights.

sharing at a cell meeting that seeing such pretty works of His hand helps to perk me up led the hubby to say somewhat bewilderedly, "It does nothing for me!"

Oh but even the frailty of a drying rose brings much cheer to my soul. I'll enjoy the flowers while they last.

:)

nostalgia, almost.

searching through one of my old blogs for a poem i wrote a few years ago led me to read a few of my old blog posts. and gosh, the photos and the stuff that i wrote, the journeys i went through just 3+ years ago.

one particular post i had put up got me thinking again a little...

a portion from Wild At Heart that made me cry...

"But her question isn't so much about her strength.

No the deep cry of a little girl's heart is Am I lovely?

Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic andchosen.

This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God.

Will you pursue me?

Do you delight in me?

Will you fight for me?"

~Wild At Heart/John Eldredge~

what's interesting is that i immediately thought of the 'gate-crashing' aspect of a traditional chinese wedding. maybe it's because of the 'fight for her' cries my girlfriends gave when the hubby refused to have that for our wedding.

and as i stare at the words by john eldredge, there's a certain familiarity because after 3 years, i still have days that i ask and wonder if i am exquisite, exotic and chosen. not exquisite and exotic in the 'look at me i'm a physically beautiful woman worthy of men's attention' way. more of in the purest of intentions, beautiful.

i think the journey from then to being married has helped me to accept myself more, in that i don't struggle as intensely with these questions. yet sometimes i wonder if i've grown cuz my days are peppered with reminders of how God pursues and delights in me through the ways that the hubby cares for and protects me.

the transition from wife to mum-to-be definitely brought up questions on how i saw myself in terms of physical beauty, while at the same time screaming silently if the lack of inner beauty warranted my becoming a mum. and the season will shift again, very soon. the vain part of me is concerned about getting my old figure back while being bewildered by the thousands of concerns and worries that will descend upon a first time mum.

at the end of the day, all these thoughts still point to one question,

Am I lovely?

on a side note...

even though i know it all in my head, it still is very difficult to ignore the looks of shock (among other emotions) people give me.

even though i get it everyday, sometimes a few times a day, it doesn't make it any easier the next time someone gives me a look.

i get upset cuz i'm not pregnant out of wedlock or underaged. yet these past few months have caused me to rethink whenever i see a young pregnant person. rethink in the sense that i remind myself not to judge. because that young lady might well just be young looking too. or even if she was underaged, it takes a lot of courage and strength to go through that.