facing the pain within

this morning i woke up feeling the worst i've felt since i got news about grandpa's passing. felt like i needed to bawl like mad, but i had to get ready to leave the house for planning retreat. felt so tight in my heart, like a dam was about to burst, if only a crack in its walls would appear. wasn't sure how i'd survive the entire day either, even though i only had to be there for the morning. 

so when P. said he felt it wasn't right that i'm there sitting for the meeting when i'm obviously hurting, i couldn't hold my tears back any longer. having had to blink back hot tears throughout my journey to the retreat had been hard enough, but i wasn't sure i could meet anyone's expectations to engage well in the meeting that lay ahead. so thankful i was graciously given the day off, and unloaded the first avalanche of tears as they prayed for me before i trooped off to spend time on my own. 

i didn't think i would be in a position of delayed grieving, but i suppose the mirade of activities and people during the wake and funeral stuff played its part in me stuffing away how i really felt: apply leave, take care of grandma, serve guests drinks...

i think i wasn't prepared for the pain grandpa's death would bring either. the late morning spent at east coast park journalling memories of him that came flooding in, dealing with the shock of pain and the wave of tears that accompanied it...it's quite a process i guess. the good, the bad, the wishes, the regrets. 

i miss him, even though he missed out on half of my life due to dementia. the first half of it more than makes up for it i guess, cuz even though he never said 'i love you' (being a man of few words), it is without a doubt that i was deeply loved, so deeply loved by my grandpa.